By Mark D. Crantz
Laguna Beach. Another perfect day in Paradise, but oh no, the Pope quit. Holy Cow! As only the late Chicago Cubs broadcaster, Harry Caray could say it best. It shouldn’t have come as a complete surprise because the Pope did make the announcement during Lent, a time for giving up stuff. I think most Catholics were expecting the Pope to pray a little more, wave at tourists a little more, perhaps splurge on a taller, pointer hat for this upcoming Easter Sunday. Church rumor has it that Lady Camilla beat him out of the Easter bonnet by outbidding the Pontiff by 1 lira on E-bay. While his Excellency really wanted the hat badly, what hurt more, was the fact that he was outfoxed by a Protestant. Now who has the long horsey face?
I think we should give his Holiness a break though. The man is 85 years old. Granted the Pope didn’t make it to America’s new retirement age of 105, but he did have a good long run. The Pope, who is a humble man, was responsible for creating IHOP’s second favorite dish, eggs Benedict Florentine. Pope Benedict XVI learned early on that if you break a couple of eggs to make a soufflé, then the same principle should hold for Eggs Benedict, as well. Dr. Oz, who is not the Pope’s personal physician, but cannot help but blab confidential medical opinions for more TV share, believes the Pope’s soaring cholesterol count forced him to lay the final quitting egg. “What, he can’t quit,” yelled Trump, “He’s fired!”
After the Donald, the next most shocked at the announcement, was the Vatican’s human resource manager. The last Pope to quit was 600 years ago and there were not any records on how to handle his Holiness’ severance package. Does he get a clothing allowance? Can he keep the cool looking Pope-mobile? Should he continue to live in Vatican City making eggs benedict for the new cholesterol conscious Pope? Unfortunately, before these questions could be answered, the HR department manager quit, which was only the second time in 600 years that an HR department manager resigned citing that he wanted to spend more time with his pride.
Perhaps I’m not the best person suited to look into the Pope’s motives for throwing in his hat. I’m half Jewish and half Methodist. Well, actually I’m not even sure of that. The truly Orthodox will tell you that I can’t be Jewish unless my mother’s Jewish. Then I ask of these wise ones, why is it that I covet my neighbor’s corn beef and pastrami sandwiches and shun my other neighbor’s pancake breakfasts? Or how can I not like Canadian bacon with eggs benedict? Surely my dislike for bacon cannot be blamed on Canadians, who have been reliable neighbors, even to the point that they have my extra house key in case something goes wrong. No, I’m not the guy to figure out the Pope’s motives. However, I do know that it will be another 600 years before the Chicago Cubs win the World Series. Now that’s worth another holy cow!