At last we’re getting a new vision for Laguna brought to us by the view ordinance and anti-skateboard park folks that will give us the sterile environment we have long craved. The problem is they haven’t gone far enough, but let’s first start with a review of what has been proposed so far for the new Laguna:
1) Any tree caught within an inch or so above a roofline should be promptly decapitated at the owner of said roofline’s expense. Views (whether of sea, coastline, canyons, city lights, or your neighbor’s scanty attire while sunbathing in a backyard) take precedence over vegetation. After all, trees are messy. They shed leaves and tempt birds to perch, sing, and do-do on our lovely hardscapes. Think of those magnificent lunar landscapes. Why shouldn’t we have one of those?
2) We managed to get those wicked skateboarders off most of our streets, but then they tried to get a skateboard park at Moulton Meadows Park. Really, the nerve of those children and their parents. Isn’t it bad enough that they already cause a ruckus with their soccer and basketball games? Forget the old adage that children should be seen and not heard. Let’s make it “not seen and not heard” and keep them locked in their rooms in front of their computers so they can grow fat enough to die early and decrease the surplus population (to borrow a line from good ole Scrooge).
Rather than shouting down and booing those skate-boarding kids at the City Council meeting like those polite adults did who were justifiably appalled at the idea of letting those children speak, we should have asked for more. Lock them up—if not at school, at least in their homes. You’ve seen them on our beaches. hey are messy and make noise, just like the birds in the trees.
To really make progress, though, we need to regulate a few more things for a pristine Laguna: Why should homeowners be able to paint their homes whatever color they want? Variation does not look well-coordinated. Let’s mandate a Laguna color and require all homes to be painted with it. Second, what about those dogs? Messy again. Let’s only allow those that are well-washed and carried in a little sack or stroller.
With this new vision of Laguna launched we can finally shed that ridiculous art colony look and achieve a moon-like sterility.
C. D. Laughton, Laguna Beach