City Manager John Pietig reported that the upcoming budget is $120,000 in the black, reversing last year’s nearly $1 million deficit.

Pietig said the proposed budget is almost balanced due to increases in revenue from property taxes of $315,000 and hotel and sales taxes of $590,000. Last year’s operating budget had a deficit of $934,000, which was covered by reserve funds.

Pietig said the proposed budget does not anticipate any demands for revenue from Sacramento to balance the state’s soaring deficits. It also lacks any pay raises for city employees, eliminates a vacant position and reclassifies other positions to save the city $126,000 a year, he said.

New appropriations will be included in another review of the city’s expected expenditures for fiscal year 2012-13 at the council’s June 7 meeting.

Questioning the necessity of the city’s proposed expenditure of $3 million appropriated to remodel City Hall in fiscal years 2014-15 and 2015-16, Chris Prelitz, chair of the city’s biped-friendly Complete Streets Task Force and board member of the sustainable resources group Transition Laguna, wondered about priority of projects that weren’t as urgent as conserving water.

“Placing those things before water is similar to New Orleans saying, ‘Let’s do city hall improvement instead of fixing the dike’,” Prelitz said.  “We are really, really vulnerable toward water.”

Prelitz said the city’s Emergency Preparedness Task Force identified the city’s biggest threat as an earthquake and the critical weak link as water reserves to enable the city to be self-reliant for at least two weeks if a crisis occurs.  “We spend a third of our budget on drainage so we’re not capturing one drop of rain water,” he said.  “Our biggest financial suck of energy could be our biggest asset if we turn it around and capture that water on a citywide level.”

For the next fiscal year, Pietig said property taxes are expected to increase by 1 percent or $220,000 for a total of $26 million or 55 percent of the total revenue coming into the city.   Sales and hotel taxes, the next most lucrative source of revenue amounting to 20 percent, are predicted to increase by 3 percent to $12.3 million (including $3 million from the Montage resort), compared to a 7 percent increase enjoyed last fiscal year. New retirement plans that require employees to contribute to their pensions will save about $243,000, he added.  However, declining interest rates and less income from construction fees due to the slower economy are expected to decrease revenue by $176,000, he reported.

Aside from needed equipment purchases, the city’s revenue and operating expenses about equal out, Pietig said. “The picture is good.” Pietig said the annual expense to replace city equipment is estimated at $650,000 and is expected to be covered mid-year by city savings.  He added that the bi-annual shopper’s permit will be sold this next year, adding $1 million to the parking fund. Of that,  $700,000 will be transferred to the transit fund to subsidize the city’s free trolleys.

“We’re only about $300,000 down from where we were in ’08-09,” said Gavin Curran, the city’s finance director.  “It took us about four years to get there but we’re slowly making our way back with the revenues.”

The council also agreed to include a one-time cost of $800,000 to connect with a countywide communications system particularly designed for emergency response and to continue paying for a grant lobbyist for an annual expense of $60,000.

Property taxes account for 55 percent of the city’s general fund revenue, while sales and hotel taxes contribute 20 percent. The county tax assessor predicted that property tax collections will rise 1 percent countywide, which translates to a $220,000 revenue gain in Laguna. The last time property tax collections remained nearly unmoved was in 1995-96, said Curran. In the peak year of 2004-05, property tax revenue escalated by 14 percent.

Curran predicted “more moderate” growth in hotel and sales taxes in the future, off the peak in 2007 and during the ensuing recession.  “We’ve seen some pretty good increases in ‘10-11 and ‘11-12,” he said. Next year, he predicted hotel and sales tax revenue will increase by only 3 percent.

Ken Wood, partner with Fred Lang in the Laguna Beach landscape architecture firm of Lang and Wood, died in Norway on March 25.

It was Wood’s pencil that drew the curving lines of Laguna’s Main Beach boardwalk. He started working with Lang in 1967 and they formed their partnership in 1968. He was responsible for much of the hardscape design while Lang did the planting design. Wood was instrumental in the design of Dana Point Harbor and of the many civic projects the firm completed in the 1970s. In addition to Main Beach Park, the firm was responsible for projects including the South Laguna Village Green, South Laguna General Plan, Treasure Island Master Plan, and Oak Street mini-park.

In 1983 Wood established his own firm in Laguna, whose projects included Fred Lang Park and San Clemente’s Casa Pacifica, occupied by former President Richard Nixon. In 1989, he joined RJM Design Group of San Juan Capistrano before moving in 1990 to Norway, his wife Kristin’s native country.  He continued his work there as landscape architect and graphic artist.

A native of Pasadena, Wood earned degrees from Cal Poly Pomona and UC Irvine. His 1976 thesis focused on scenic highway landscape planning.

Wood exhibited his pencil drawings at the Festival of Arts and the Sawdust Festival in the mid 1970s.

He is survived by his wife, daughter Kimberly Suzanne Wood Finnson, and two grandsons, all in Norway.

By Michael Ray.

The Next Generation’s Woodstock

Two of my three kids attended the Coachella Music Festival this year, and the third would have too, but she was in college in London.   In one earlier year, she got away with pretending to need to be in So Cal during the time of the festival, and then—oops—as long as she just happened to be here then, well, why not attend?

Daughter #2 Gabby flew down from her college in Portland, kissed me quickly, and then departed for our Palm Springs redoubt on Thursday night.  The next evening, younger brother Harrison joined her.  He drove out with friends as soon as school was out on Friday afternoon. That it was horrible traffic and would take them forever was of no consequence.   And, oh by the way, I was specifically invited not to attend, not even stay at the house where, I was told later, somewhere between 15 and 20 kids were sleeping.  Oh Lordy.

One time I did attend the festival and found it good, clean fun.   Alcohol and drugs were strictly monitored, the grounds were super clean, there were plenty of bathrooms and the multiple venues had clear sound.

Not so the first Festival I almost attended.  It was called Woodstock and I was attending Harvard summer school that year and a bunch of kids went from Boston.  I knew rain was forecast and I wanted to know where we would sleep, not that any of us cared much.   No one knew anything except it was a “happening.”    I say, “almost attended” because I was predisposed against big concerts.   The rock stars were always so far away you needed binoculars to see them and the sound quality sucked. Better to listen to their records in the privacy of one’s own altered state.  And my returning friends told me it was a horror story of mud, over-dosed LSD freaks who overwhelmed the make-shift tent medical center and—big problem here—no functioning toilets, which led to…..You figure it out.

That same summer, the famous Democratic National Convention of Chicago took place, the one where protestors were gassed by out-of-control Chicago cops.   I did not attend that one either. Earlier that year, both Martin Luther King Jr. and Bobby Kennedy had been assassinated, and politics was sour for me.  Besides, I was too busy trying to score some coed action in Harvard Square.  At least my priorities were straight. My friends who went reported much the same thing as Woodstock, except there was no rain. However, the lack of that particular hardship was offset by police beatings. Never liked that one either.

None of us knew Woodstock and the Chicago convention would go down as Woodstock generation folklore. I could have gone to both and think those experiences would have made good stories, except no one who actually went had any fun or even particularly good stories.  It was just mud, chaos, and sleep deprivation.

So I guess my kids attending a harmless festival in Coachella seemed tame to me.  And fun for them.  Better than that, a week later Harrison showed me a YouTube video of a performance he saw live: it was by a group called (and the following spelling is correct) “tUnE-yArDs” performing a song called “Bizness.” It blew me away. It was magnificent. I immediately added it to my ITunes library and play it incessantly.

But was I jealous of Harrison’s live experience?  Hmmm, let me answer that question with the story about how Gabby got back to Portland. She attended the festival until its bitter end late Sunday night (really, very early Monday morning), and finally departed the ground’s tortuous exit about 3 a.m. Thence, she and her buddies drove straight to LAX to catch the 6:30 a.m. flight back to Portland, where they had classes later that morning.

Yup, there are some advantages to adulthood.

Michael Ray grew up in CdM and now lives in Laguna Beach.  He makes a living as a real estate entrepreneur and is involved in many non-profits.

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Photo by Mitch Ridder

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Photos by Mitch Ridder

Patty Collisson, a 30-year Emerald Bay resident, displays a sign signaling her position. The council vetoed the light and voted to explore alternatives. Photos by Marilynn Young

Even after a heart-rending plea from a mother whose son was killed when his motorcycle was hit by an exiting Emerald Bay resident, the City Council on Tuesday unanimously rejected a proposed traffic signal at the gated community’s main entry.

Against a backdrop of emotional pleas, venomous emails and threats of a political backlash, the Emerald Bay traffic signal proved the most divisive issue council members said they have ever faced. It also revealed lingering resentment over Emerald Bay’s elite legacy as an unincorporated, gated community now within city borders that bars public beach access but is exempt from complying with the city’s  ordinances and development rules.

After hearing nearly two hours of testimony, the council leaned toward signal opponents, who had deluged them with more than 300 emails and phone calls. The council voted 5-0 to allow street improvements outside Emerald Bay to relieve traffic backing up for entry at the guarded gatehouse at Shamrock Road and North Coast Highway, but refused to green-light installation of a left-turn signal.

“I’m willing to offer kind of an olive branch,” said council member Kelly Boyd.  “I’m not sure that I can go all the way with the signal at this time.” Boyd made the motion to have traffic conditions monitored there while requiring Emerald Bay to apply for a city coastal development permit to begin traffic-alleviating improvements at the main entrance.  The council concurred.

But Susan Thomas, past president of the Emerald Bay Community Association board, said Wednesday

Emerald Bay fire station Division Chief Michael Moore says a traffic signal would aid exiting with a ladder truck.

that the council’s decision cancels all plans for the intersection. “None of this will be done,” said Thomas, “especially since all the experts agreed that the intersection is dangerous.  No viable solution was presented.”  Thomas said installing a signal would be a “minor expense” of $300,000 to $400,000 of the overall $3 million to improve the intersection.

Proposed improvements without the signal would push the main gate farther back from Coast Highway, increase the length of turning lanes and add additional entry and exit lanes.  Total costs with the signal, were estimated at more than $3 million with the Emerald Bay Homeowners’ Assn. and Service District footing the bill.

Council member Elizabeth Pearson called the unprecedented number of emails she received “the most vitriolic” she has seen in her 16 years in city government here.

“This is the one that really got to me,” she said. “ ‘Social fascism: when a wealthy and powerful few control, influence and crush the rights and safety of others.  Please do not approve this light.’”  Pearson, who described some of the emails as disgusting, views the controversy as an opportunity.  “Come on, let’s start working with Emerald Bay, folks, and let’s try and bring them more into the community and welcome them more into it.”

Council member Toni Iseman pointed out that the issue revealed a festering resentment between city residents and the gated beach community.  “The one email I printed out came in about five days ago,” said Iseman, “and ended with ‘This is a division in the community that we don’t know will ever heal and please help us make it go away.’  I think that’s the real tragedy of what’s gone on here.”

Supporters of the Emerald Bay left-turn half-signal called it a life-and-death safety issue.

“We don’t want anybody else to die there,” said Paula Negron, whose 19-year-old son, Aron, died eight

Paula Negron, the mother of a teen-ager killed in 2005 near the entrance to Emerald Bay where a traffic signal is proposed, pleads for its installation.

years ago after an Emerald Bay resident pulled out in front of him.  A photo of her son was projected on a screen behind the council’s dais with the message “A Signal for Aron Negron.”

After an earlier hearing, city officials hired Fehr and Peers for $15,000 to independently review conditions at the intersection. On Tuesday, consultant Steve Brown outlined mixed findings, which showed a signal could have prevented two accidents that occurred between 2006 to 2010, but a four-year collision history “far below the statewide average for similar highways.” Brown said a signal typically reduces overall accidents, including the most dangerous side-swipe collisions, but increases rear-end smash-ups.

Despite the emotionally charged plea for a signal, opponents flagged the safety issue as a smokescreen for the convenience by Emerald Bay residents and claimed that a signal would cause more traffic accidents, specifically rear-end collisions.

George Patterson, a local resident and retired deputy sheriff, said he’s never seen a report listing a traffic signal as the cause of an accident.  “The great majority of them are caused by human error, judgment on the driver’s part,” he said. “It wasn’t some mechanical device on the street.  Putting a traffic light in isn’t going to change that any.”

But even within Emerald Bay, a vocal faction over the past two years has doggedly opposed the project, filing appeals with county planners and the Superior Court. Pete Collisson, former president of the Emerald Bay homeowners’ group, claimed that the safety issue is a subterfuge to keep the beach at Emerald Bay closed to public access.

“The service district was sitting on this pot of money, several million dollars in reserves,” said Collisson, “and didn’t know what to spend it on.”  He said that if a beautification project was characterized as a safety issue, the service district could spend money without opening the gates of the bayside community to the public.  “While the argument is being made that you’ll somehow be responsible for deaths and accidents and all these horrible things,” he attested, “in fact, the safety issue was an expedient that was adopted by the political powers that be in Emerald Bay.”

Others argued for a simpler solution to slow traffic along North Coast Highway. “Why hasn’t a flashing light been installed there 10 years ago?” asked Nuby Sears, an Emerald Bay resident who called the tragedies outside the gate heart-wrenching. “The main problem is people are going 60 miles an hour, maybe 70, entering into Laguna Beach.  If people slow down, that’s what’s going to save lives.”  Other suggestions to alleviate hazardous driving were to write more speeding tickets, lower the speed limit and test for sobriety.

Emerald Bay resident Steve Rabago started a petition opposing the signal on Change.org, which garnered 192 signatures.  “That’s probably why you got all those emails. Sorry,” he said, addressing the council.  The reasons given for opposing the signal, he summarized, were two blind corners and high downhill speeds, “accidents waiting to happen.”

So I made the mistake of reading the beautiful features on Andy in this week’s edition while having lunch at Lumberyard (“A Tribute from Andy Hedden’s Family,” “A Hometown Comic and Scribe Exits the Stage.” I couldn’t stop laughing thru tears over my soup. Your hard work is helping us heal. Thank you, Andrea.

Greg Renoe, Laguna Playhouse

This letter responds to Richard Picheny’s personal attack on me in a recent newspaper article regarding the demolition of old structures.

Mr. Picheny indicated that I do nothing as a councilmember to protect old cottages.  His statement is simply untrue.  Here is one example:  several years ago, when I was involved with fundraising for our Community/Senior Center, the city had purchased parcels on Third Street where four old structures were located to be used for the center.  A couple of these structures had been made available by the city to the 2005 landslide victims to live in at no-cost while they were trying to re-build their lives and their homes, so I had been inside them visiting those folks.  While they were extremely run down, some had value, in my mind.

With the assistance of some very generous Lagunans, I helped to re-locate some of the victims in those structures to other housing; the Third Street structures became empty.  As progress was made on the Community/Senior Center, a decision had to be made as to whether to move and store the Third Street structures or demolish them.  I voted with others on council to move and store them, clearing the way for the center.

The structures were moved to Laguna Canyon Road at Big Bend.  I then approached another generous Lagunan that I knew owned a property zoned for multi-unit structures that could accommodate all four units to see if she would consider taking all of them – moving them and rehabilitating them at her cost, thereby restoring them to their original glory and keeping them in our community.  She agreed to take the project on and to make the financial commitment.  A generous architect designed, pro-bono, a concept plan that would work, which would have resulted in a quaint enclave of tiny cottages that would be high-quality and affordable.

To my great disappointment, some of Picheny’s friends fought this proposal and, therefore, it was dropped.   Later, one cottage was taken and moved by a Fullerton resident; the other three sat in the canyon for three years and disintegrated in front of our eyes (not to mention that they also became a scary fire hazard).  Ultimately, a majority of the City Council concluded that no one was going to invest in these dilapidated, unsafe structures and that it was time to have them demolished.  I, personally, was disgusted that some of those very same folks who accuse me of not saving cottages were the ones who prevented my trying to do just that with the structures that sat in the canyon and rotted.

As a concluding statement, I’d like to say this:  just because a structure is old does not mean it is historically significant or has value to investors.  If groups such as some of Picheny’s friends in Village Laguna and the South Laguna Civic Association feel that a structure should be “saved” (even though, in many cases, it either does not have a highly rated historic designation and/or has not been maintained in its original form), then I would suggest that those who want to save it raise the funds to (a)buy it from a property owner and restore it – and, if necessary, (b) pay to move it and (c) find another location for it.

Elizabeth Pearson, City Council member

A round of applause is due Liz Avila with the Public Works Department for organizing a successful compost giveaway last Saturday, May 10, in the ACT V parking lot.  Arriving at 8 a.m. with my gloves and shovel, I joined in with 20+ locals in scooping up rich, nutritious compost into my six sand bags and got a recyclable tote to boot. There was ample supply, as I told many neighbors who arrived even at noon towards the end of the event, yet were still welcomed to scoop and carry as long as the pile lasted.  The sponsors were helpful and enthusiastic; hundreds of Lagunans participated. My garden and I thank you for a wonderfully successful community sponsored event!

Laura Wellsfry, Laguna Beach

Re: proposed Emerald Bay signal

My suggestion is to move the entrance further into the complex, getting the cars off the street or letting the workers in earlier.

Warren Goff, Laguna Beach

(The letter was also addressed to top city administrators and elected officials.)

I write in support of installing the proposed traffic signal at Emerald Bay and Coast Highway. My opinion is informed by personal history. I lived in Three Arch Bay before there was a signal, and even before there was a guard gate on the east side of the highway. My brothers and sister and I carpooled every school day from 1967 to 1981 to Harbor Day School in Corona del Mar. I know intimately the commute through Laguna and past Emerald Bay.

The traffic signal at Three Arch Bay saved my life, literally, a number of times when I would otherwise have been creamed leaving the community or coming back from the beach. I know firsthand that the increase in safety more than outweighs the mild perceived inconvenience of having to stop for a minute to allow traffic in and out of the EBCA main gate.

I have personally seen the aftermath of multiple crashes at Emerald Bay. I have come close to hitting cars and motorcycles coming in and out, and have nearly been hit by cars leaving the community. It seems amazing to me that city has multiple “no left turn” intersections in the heart of town where traffic is usually slower, yet there is resistance to a controlled intersection at Emerald Bay.

My daily commute involves passing the stoplight at Monarch Bay Plaza. Again, I have personal knowledge that this signal is just about the only thing that makes it possible to access Monarch Bay Plaza from during busy traffic.

My experiences convince me of the necessity of a traffic light at Emerald Bay and PCH. There are other practical considerations why the traffic signal project should be approved:

1. City and EBCA Liability. It is a matter of public record there are published traffic studies stating this intersection is an unsafe condition and safety would be improved if a traffic light were put in. As I understand it, obtaining the city’s approval is the last hurdle before the project can proceed. If the city does not approve the signal, it likely would bear primary responsibility because it blocked the project. Please remember that our sister city of Dana Point was compelled into a record-breaking $50 million settlement of a case for injuries two women suffered when struck by a car when jogging on PCH (Neria v. City of Dana Point). A similar lawsuit could force the city of Laguna Beach into bankruptcy.

2. There is Negligible Cost to The City: The EBCA is picking up virtually the entire tab for the work. Caltrans would do the work if it had the money, but it doesn’t. This is a rare chance for the city to “get something for nothing.”

3. It’s the Right Thing To Do: The city and south county have matured to the point where this light is necessary. The perceived inconvenience to a few does not outweigh the horrendous damage across multiple lives that a severe accident would cause.

Carter Mudge, Laguna Beach

Emerald Bay does not need a traffic signal. It needs a “no left turn” signal. This will allow residents wishing to go south to use the existing safe exits. It is also much cheaper.

Henry W. Pribram, Laguna Beach

Last week I attended Mobility Planning Meeting and Visioning, an open workshop organized by the LB Planning Commission to familiarize attendees with the the Land Use and Circulation Elements and a new visioning for Complete Streets Policy.

Deja vu, where had I experienced this planning process before? Then I remembered meetings I attended previously. Each of these were workshops attended by Laguna residents and by members of city council to set goals and list actions. Each workshop produced a strategy document to guide execution of goals therein.

2001: The LB Vision Steering Committee: The 2030 Vision Plan (identifying a shared vision and seven themes for action)

2008: The Climate Change Working group: “The Climate Protection Action Plan” (Visioning and 6 categories for Action including transportation)

-rewind

2009: Transition Laguna Beach: Transition Guidelines (Vision plan mission statement and the mobility group)

-rewind

2009: Complete Streets Task Force: Pedestrian and Bicycle Plan (Vision plan, mission statement for non-motorized transport)

-rewind

2012: The New Complete Streets Task Force: Five Hour Potluck meeting, A Visioning Process

-rewind

7 May 2012: LB Planning Commission: Mobility Planning Meeting and Visioning (Land Use Element, Circulation Element, CS Policy )

-rewind

The Planning Commssion began their meeting with a 20-minute slide-show of traffic-calming art. Other than a slide or two of Forest Avenue, the presentation was of generic origin. Despite five years of informal discussions on traffic relief and three years of meetings with 86 residents, Planning Commission  and City Council in task force meetings, the Planning Commission was starting from scratch.

Last month the OCTA sponsored a day-long seminar on non-motorized transport for urban planners, designers and engineers to learn how cities integrate non-motorized transportation into their transport plans. The seminar was so packed by attendees from other Orange County planning districts that OCTA moved us to their largest conference room. Not surprising, nobody from Laguna Beach city staff attended.

This is why despite 25 years of city planning, consultants and staff salaries, Laguna Beach has not placed a flower pot at Forest and Broadway to begin construction of the city entrance. Remember that when you vote.

Les Miklosy, Laguna Beach

By Ann Christoph.

Those nuns were determined to see to it that everyone was paired up for the prom.  I had waited most of junior year for Alfredo to ask me out and he had finally done it. He’d even asked me what color my dress was so he could get a matching corsage.  But my dream of going out to the prom, with just the two of us in his turquoise ’55 Ford was not to be. Sister De Paul informed us that Dickie Reese and Kathy Thornell would be double dating with us. They weren’t girl friend and boy friend. I don’t think they were even interested in each other. We would have a nice audience in the back seat, a couple who would be awkwardly not holding hands or doing anything else distracting.

The instructions from sister headquarters were, “No strapless dresses!” Now here is that odd push-pull, temptation-guilt set-up that was so built into our education that I never questioned it. Better be sure you’re paired up and going to the prom, but a strapless dress might just be an invitation to take this pairing up concept one step too far.  There was a threat—the chaperones would be instructed to pin ribbon straps on any dress that did not have its own built-in supports.

My mom took this all very seriously and saw an ad in the classifieds for a used pink bridesmaid dress, $25.  This dress had no straps.  It didn’t need them.  It had a complete lace bodice with a high neckline and lace sleeves.  I didn’t care that I had no role in choosing the dress. It was special, poufy. I got new shoes. I was happy.

Little did I know that meantime Alfredo was working weekends chopping cotton to earn enough to buy the tickets, the corsage, the tux, the gas, the dinner afterwards….and graduation fees were coming up too. His parents with one wage earner and 11 other children were reliant on his $40 a month earnings as janitor in the school.  He would never have considered their contributing to this luxury prom outing.

That prom night was memorable: before, with the suspense of waiting to be asked, and the preparations, and during—we did have some romantic dances after all, and a kiss good-night. (We had managed to take Kathy and Dickie home first.) And many years to remember.  Fifty to be exact. I hauled out my scrapbook and the program says May 11, 1962. Here I am still with the same generous, reliable, romantic prom guy.

At Laguna Beach High School, prom night is May 19. We can only imagine the intrigues that are going on about who is going with who. And these kids have no nuns to do their match making. Their surely are dilemmas over clothing, but now it’s fancier. Probably going strapless doesn’t even deserve a mention. I don’t think the moms get to pick the dress any more.  Instead of a ‘55 Ford, there’s a limo.

But its essence is about the romance, the specialness. Careful with that choice, it might just last a long, long time.

Landscape architect Ann Christoph is a former council member.

LCAD’s 2012 graduates.

Seventy students in Laguna College of Art + Design’s 2012 class  participated in commencement ceremonies this week, receiving a sendoff from film producer Don Hahn, whose “Beauty and the Beast” was the first animated movie to receive a best-picture nomination.

“I had the privilege of watching the students grow and develop as distinctive artists and designers,” beamed the college’s president, Jonathan Burke. “I witnessed their passion to learn and the many hours they devoted to their art. I now expect that talent and passion to open doors to fulfilling and rewarding careers.”

Hahn is executive producer of Tim Burton’s upcoming animated film, “Frankenweenie,” due in theaters Oct. 5.

LCAD dignitaries, from left, Chairman Stevan Gromet, guest Iris Cantor, President Jonathan Burke, guest speaker Don Hahn and Laguna’s Mayor Jane Egly.

Philanthropist Iris Cantor, chair and president of Los Angeles’ Iris & B. Gerald Cantor Foundation, was granted an honorary arts degree.

The college offers bachelor of fine arts degrees in drawing & painting, graphic design, illustration, game art and animation, and master of fine arts degrees in painting and drawing.

By Christine Fugate.

I’m finding it difficult to whine about motherhood these days. Perhaps after 11 years, I’ve perfected a method to this parenting madness.

Granted my girls are older and out of the dirty-diaper-oops-I-pooped in my-panties phase. Also, public restrooms are no longer extremely fascinating there fore trips to the bathroom are minimal.

The battles over vegetables and fruit are also behind us. After a couple of the hide-the-veggie-in-the-pancake disasters, I donated the cookbooks to the library and used a new method called, ‘eat it now or there will never be another piece of candy in your life ever again.’ Amazing how well threats work.

Of course, I’m always one to use a small bribe here and there. Put a piece of fruit near my older daughter and she shrieks, “Get that away from me.” Alas, the fruit smoothie and a chocolate chip cookie seem to be the only way to prevent her from getting scurvy.

During the evenings, I’m in a state of bliss (or is that numbness?). Bedtime was 8 p.m. with a half hour for reading and lights out at 8:30 pm. But then the sun kept staying up and my sailors declared mutiny, “We can’t go to sleep when it’s light outside.”

“Children do it every night in Alaska,” I argued. “Now go to sleep.” That worked for about five minutes. Then, the excuse train began with endless trips to and from the bathroom. My stance began to weaken.

“Alright, girls. In bed at 8:30, lights out at 9.” The sailors agreed until I realized the ‘yes’ game was taking place.

‘Yes mom, we are heading to bed. Yes, yes and yes.’

It reminded me of the time I worked at Sony Pictures across the hall from Francis Ford Coppola. Sony insisted that Coppola edit “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” at the Culver City studio. He agreed, yet every day his office was empty. I know because I kept waiting to meet him. Months later, the movie was finished and he’d never showed.

I’m not sure how relevant that shameless name dropping story is, but I do know there’s a common thread, the popular parenting method #254: Denial. More than just a river in Egypt, denial can get us parents through many a tough spot.

Yes, I deny that my kids are wandering around the house at 10 p.m. or even later. I mentioned it to another parent recently and their eyes bugged. But then I find comfort in my girlfriend who lets her daughters, also 10 and 11, turn out the light whenever they want. Sometimes, I see her daughter on Instagram long after I know her mom is fast asleep.

As soon as “American Idol” is over, I scream, “Girls, you need to get to bed. Now.”

That’s when bribery and threats work well.

“No cell phone or play dates tomorrow.” A quick scuffle and lights are off.

After 10 minutes, I hear the toilet flushing and little mice playing in the bathroom. I either start screaming or start yelling. I’m saved by method #260: Apathy.

Yes, I’ve stopped caring about those small details like bedtime, fruits and vegetables. Ah, the freedom. I’m still busy though with patrolling the tweenage social media, my daughter’s short shorts and lice outbreaks.

I guess my ability to whine is still alive and kicking. I’m hard at work on perfecting Rule #261: Never whine alone.

Thanks for listening.

Christine can be reached at motheringheights@gmailcom.