Fan Mail
For years now, I set aside Wednesday evenings to answer fan mail. And for years now, I have nothing to do on Wednesdays. That changed last Wednesday. I got my first piece of fan mail. It read, “Pet Peeves is silly. If you want to see your goldfish again write serious.” Well, this wasn’t the kettle of fish I’d expected. For one I didn’t own a goldfish. And two, I recognized the cutout block letters from magazines I hadn’t read yet. What kind of person cuts up issues of Ranger Rick and Highlights Magazine for Kids?
The perpetrator had to be somebody close. Aha…the butler did it. Wait. I don’t have a butler. I’d have to hire one to blame. Geez, I didn’t have a clue. But I had to do something. My blackmailer had some kid’s innocent goldfish. And what made the kidnapping more heinous, it happened right here in the blue belt zone, a place where fish should feel safe.
I didn’t know who was behind this. I had no choice but to comply with the kidnapper’s demands. I’d write a serious column about important Laguna issues. As I was mulling over what to say, there was a knock on the door. I didn’t get up to answer it. The butler would. Oops, I don’t have a butler. I got up and opened the door. It was the butler, my neighbor’s butler. “Sir, this piece of mail was accidently dropped off next door. I took the liberty to read it. You should respond forthwith.” So, I read forthwithly, “Your goldfish appears asthmatic. I need the inhaler. Or write serious. Beat deadline. Bubbles. Wheeze. Bubbles. From your loving fish.”
Oh, just great. A fish I don’t own is really a sick fish I don’t own and I have no idea where the inhaler could be. I better write serious quickly. Here goes. “I support a 40 inch village entrance attached to a 40 story garage for self parking cars only. All Laguna roundabouts should be straightened out into the ocean. More consultants should be hired to review previous consultant work and agree with all previous findings with the understanding to repeat the process every year. The city government should exercise the right of eminent domain and give owner property to all city employees. City employees should take claimed properties and rent out on a short-term basis, preferably to substance abuse houses within 500 feet of schools. Forest Avenue should be closed to residents and opened to autonomous driving cars. Marijuana dispensaries should be opened in school cafeterias, but remain gluten free.”
Whew. Take a breath. That was a serious piece of writing. I anticipate the goldfish will be set free. My phone rings. “Don’t attempt to trace this call. I’m on a burner phone. I read your piece. It was a serious piece of….never mind. Say goodbye to your goldfish. Flush.”
Bye. Geez, and I just found the inhaler. But I think I recognized the caller. Colonel Mustard, he did it.
Crantz tells the Indy that he apologizes to any Laguna child, who might be missing a goldfish. He did his best and would be happy to return the inhaler upon request.
