The Unsinkable Pageant
I’m not an optimistic person. Where optimists see rainbows and bunnies, I see tornados and flying bunny pellets. So when I read the Indy’s “Makeover Proceeds on Soggy Festival Grounds,” I saw “Sinkhole Swallows 2017 Festival Paintings and Pageant.” The work to redo the festival grounds was postponed to this year due to last year’s prediction of El Nino weather. Of course, El Nino never showed up and last year was all rainbows and bunnies.
Fred Sattler, Festival of Arts president said this year, “We have factored 15 rain days into the schedule. So far, they’ve used up eight days.” But he remains optimistic and ready to reassess in early spring, if necessary. And this same Sattler pledged to decamp for Brazil, if the project wasn’t ready on time.
So the question is where will Fred reassess the project, here or Brazil? Smart money bets two to one on Brazil. The city council took notice of the line and directed staff to review future extradition costs to get Fred back from the South American country best known for rainbows and bunnies infected with Zika virus.
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worse. That’s my motto. I believe behind the new Festival facade and its recent merit award is a large sinkhole that architects are hoping wins for best de facto design this year. An inside source from the sinkhole was not reachable for comment. A wifi booster was brought in to reestablish a connection. An outside source believes the inside source is a parking lot consultant spelunking to determine how many cars the new sinkhole will hold. Also, the Irvine Company lowered a representative into the sinkhole to measure for condo space, as well. Southern California Edison lowered workers to investigate new storage for San Onofre spent nuclear waste.
Residents are worried that the new sinkhole is still expanding. One rubbernecking resident said, “This could swallow up all of Laguna Beach. My elderly Mother lives with me. Okay then, I’ll be taking that vacation now. Give me a copy of the Indy. Say bye to mom for me.” Another resident added, “I just got back from the Women’s March in Washington. Look what my husband and kids did to the place. I’ll bet when they get to the bottom of that sinkhole they didn’t use coasters.”
Entrepreneurs have descended on city hall for conditional use permits to start cave tours; guano companies; Tivoli 3; roundabout two; additional bike lanes; gelato shops 11, 12, 13, and a magic mushroom farm.
And a sober house representative said, “As soon as Laguna Beach builds an elementary school down there, we will open our rehab enterprise, as the law requires, 501 feet away.”
Crantz tells the Indy that he is afraid of the dark and plans to scalp this year’s Pageant tickets.
