Pet Peeves

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Walden’s Pool

By Mark Crantz
By Mark Crantz

A dear childhood friend of my wife’s said, “We can’t wait to visit next week. I took the boys to the library and we checked out a book about creatures large and small found in tidal pools. The boys are stoked.” My wife couldn’t bear to break the bad news. So, I took over. “Jack. It’s me. Take the book back to the library. Then whisper to the librarian that all tidal life ceases to exist. Tell her to re-shelve tidal pools under fiction.” Jack answered. “Okay. But what do I show the boys when we get there?” “Good question. I’ll think of something.”

I already knew before having it confirmed by the Indy’s “Marine Protections Show Little Impact” that the marine protection put in place five years ago did zilch. Critics believe the money would have been better spent with the Mob. They do protection. Scientists just teach protection. First scientist says, “I see with my itty bitty microscope eye, no more fish. Second scientist adds, “I see with my itty bitty microscope eye, the same number of fish from five years ago. None.” First and second scientists write a 64-page report. The report concludes things are not worse. Things are not better. More study time is needed. Twenty more years of federal and state grants is recommended for a 64,000 page report that likely will conclude, “Thanks for getting my scientist kids through college and providing me with a cushy pension. Go fish.”

Marine critics scoff at the report calling it baseline monitoring. One angry resident declared, “Forget baseline monitoring. I can’t get fish sticks. I want fish sticks. Can’t someone get me fish sticks? How fast can they swim? They’re sticks.” Another resident added, “I have a house full of tartar sauce. I bought the tartar sauce from Costco. Got a great price. Serves 40,000. I can’t wait around. The expiration date is April.”

Another coastal city had different results. The mayor told me, “We hired the Mob. Best protection money could buy. They came in and did what we hired them for. They scared the dickens out of little kids when they came to the tidal pools to pet the wild life. A mob docent, Joey “Clownfish” Rossi explained his technique. I say, “Kid, don’t touch the fish. You touch the fish; you swim with the fish. Some kids don’t listen. The parents understand. The kid never listened to them either. In they go. I call it “Release and Catch.” Kids are good as goldfish from then on. I get thank you letters from parents whose washed up kids are now doing swimmingly in schools.”

Jack Walden and his kids arrived. I took them to the tidal pool. And what to their wondering eyes did appear? Tidal pool creatures large and small. There were mermaids courtesy of the Patriot Day Parade belly dancers. Birds of a different feather from the Dirty Bird lounge. Frozen shrimp with hats and scarfs provided by Costco. Sea Stars of David from Chabad Jewish Center. And Mussels donated from the Art of Fitness.

The boys had a great time and asked if they could keep the mermaids. Jack and I did “Release and Catch.” Just the baseline monitoring they needed.

 

Crantz tells the Indy that the drought has impacted marine life in the Marine Room Tavern. Consumption is up six-pack fold. He’s monitoring the situation.

 

 

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