Pet Peeves

0
1071

I Yam What I Yam

By Mark Crantz
By Mark Crantz

I yam what I yam. I’m not Popeye the Sailorman. I’m not strong to the finish because I won’t eat my spinach, and, ah, I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for another beer today. I’m Pet Peeves’ the wimpy, complaining man. Moan. Moan.

Wow, there was big news in the Indy last week. A candidate running for city council had his identity stolen. In a whoosh, undergraduate and law degrees vanished into the ethereal. To protect his identity from further alterations, I’ll call him Mudd for purposes of this column. So be it. Your name is Mudd.

Let’s make it Dr. Mudd. It has an authoritative ring to it. People will be more apt to believe what you say happened. I’ll help. I’ll require that all readers put on hospital paper nightgowns without a back. Readers will be more worried about someone seeing their backsides than the backstabbing you seem to be taking on paper. Besides is it worse to have to wear paper nighties or is it worse what is written down on paper? When I was in the spy craft business, we ate plenty of secrets written on paper. I never lost a colleague who ate his words to save our nation. However, I wouldn’t advise eating a paper nightgown to cover up. It just makes things worse.

Politics is a dirty business. Candidates throw mud at each other. It’s hard to stay out of it. It’s even harder to watch it. None of the candidates have the body type for mud wrestling. And Jell-O wrestling is a no-no, too. There’s no room for Jell-O in the city council race. I think Indy readers are with me on this. They want a clean fight. One that is waged on the merits of what the candidates think will make for a better Laguna Beach, rather than paper embellishments that many people have fallen victim to from time to time by either their own hand or by someone else’s. Except me. I was the captain of my high school football team. I was the head cheerleader, too. At homecoming, I was selected king and queen and went with myself. I have won 10 Pulitzer Prizes, 16 Emmys, and 25 Academy Awards.

Only the People’s Choice Award has eluded me. And to assure I get that one too, I am handing out silk designer hospital gowns with a front and back so readers can concentrate on what I stand for, rather than what is written down on paper or what is revealed when paper doesn’t cover enough of the back story. I yam what I yam. You are what you are. All of us are named Mudd. And remember to do no harm.

 

Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago. He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.” His recently deceased border collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter.

Share this:

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here