Pet Peeves

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Ka-choo

 

by Mark Crantz
by Mark Crantz

I almost fell over after reading Indy’s “City to Cut Historic Pepper Tree.” Apparently, I was the only one felled over by the sad news. The digital Indy recorded 832 Shares and 238 Likes. So I asked myself, “Who likes to hear that a 135 year old magnificent specimen is going to be cut down to mulch?” Then the answer smacked me in the head like a fallen tree branch. Ocean view zealots, that’s who.

The tree huggers didn’t go easy into this digital night and instead showed up en mass in the shaded light of day behind the pepper tree at city council chambers to discuss the pepper tree’s fate. A hired tree consultant said, “I tell you cutting down this tree breaks my heart, and I’m sure everybody in this room feels the same way.” The room was eerily silent and appeared not to know whether the tree consultant was asking a rhetorical question or maybe exerting some kind of Star Trek Spock mind melt to get the council and participants to be emotionally prepared for the tree’s unavoidable demise. In a delayed reaction, half the room said amen and the other half said timber.

The tree dates back to around 1881. Three of the five council members were in office at the time and remember the planting. One council member recalls, “Yep, homesteader George Rogers and his daughter planted the pepper tree. The occasion caused quite a town ruckus. The daughter didn’t want the pepper tree to block her bedroom ocean view. Old man Rogers didn’t want to hear any of it. He said, ‘Quit daydreaming out your bedroom window and walk down to the ocean if you want to see it.’ The daughter yelled back, ‘Easier said than done through the hundreds of parklets squatting between here and there.’ “ The daughter lost the fight and the pepper tree was planted outside her bedroom window. The father lost the war and got the same thing on Father’s Day over and over again, a case of canker rot in that long ago divisible planting.

Over the years, folklore has grown up around the pepper tree. One resident remembered, “When I was a little girl I recall always sneezing when I passed it. My father said you go ka-choo because it’s a pepper tree. So I asked him, “Why didn’t they plant a salt tree instead?” My father didn’t like my smart aleck remark and I was shipped out to an Italian boarding school for girls. The place was run amuck in olive trees. To this day, I hate all spices, olive oil dressings and never spoke to father again. So, I say ka-choo and timber to that old interfering pepper tree that made my life so difficult.

A tree expert explained the tree’s perilous health. He demonstrated how he came to this conclusion by reenacting his use of a sonic tomographic machine. He pointed the wand to measure solid mass with sound waves that showed that it was 90% hollow. The room broke out in pandemonium when an alert attendee pointed out that he was pointing the wand at his own head. Order was eventually restored. The tree expert was filled with concrete and polyurethane and will be eventually cut down to size. And the pepper tree was saved for next year’s hospitality night to dazzle all in Who-ville who love her.

 

Crantz tells the Indy he only likes and writes happy endings. It’s not a rhetorical question readers. Amen to that.

 

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