Pet Peeves

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629

Pass the Mayo

by Mark D. Crantz
by Mark D. Crantz

I nearly gagged while reading the letter to the editor’s “Back to School Food.” This letter said, “There are 31 million school children relying on school meals for their daily nutrition, which too often consists of highly processed food laden with saturated fats.” I believe this is the place in the letter where the reader was to become outraged, yet inspired to find out how we, as a responsible society, can correct this deplorable situation. Oh, I was outraged all right because I read between the lines. Let me translate for other readers. “There are 31 million school children relying on highly processed happy meals full of saturated fats to get their daily nutrition from their metaphorical food hero, Ronald McDonald, who has been excommunicated now for providing comfort food between math and foreign language classes. School experts say these emotionally wrenching classes have been proven to give kids ulcers, if it were not for the happy meals in between. You choose readers. Happy Meals or ulcers? (Hint: Take Happy Meals; there are no deductibles or copays.)

I found Ronald McDonald looking forlorn standing in line at the unemployment office. This was one unhappy clown. I could see an awful transformation coming. Now kicked out of public service work, Ronald was changing into Stephen King’s malevolent clown from the movie “It.” I said to him, “You’ll bounce back. Don’t let the health nuts get you down.” Ronald said nothing. I kept up the happy talk. “You’ve got a great resume. Chipotle would be lucky to have someone like you who doesn’t make people sick.” Ronald said nothing. I could tell this clown was losing it. “You have to speak up for yourself. Other vegan clowns won’t do it for you. They would like nothing more than to see the king of food clowns take a big pratfall. Don’t give them the satisfaction.” Ronald said nothing. He took off his size 52 red shoes and threw them at me. The transformation was completed. He was now the malevolent clown from “It.”

Ronald was escorted out by security. I didn’t press charges. Even the mighty can be down on their luck. I remember the better years for Ronald and me. In junior high, I liked the hairnet, white-shoed cafeteria workers who fried all foods to my uneducated delight. There were fried chicken, fried hot dogs, fried potatoes and fried ice cream for dessert. These tireless workers made it possible for me to sleep through math and foreign language classes. I never could stay awake long enough to get that school wrenching ulcer.

But times have changed. The letter to the editor boasts that schools across the nation support the “Meatless Monday” campaign. Who from my baby boom generation remembers those Sunday nights when it suddenly dawns on you that you have to go to school tomorrow? It made me sick. I still shiver at the thought. Only the dreams of fried ice cream on Mondays pulled me through. But now, I pity kids today. On Sunday nights they have to pull through Sunday nightmares of school Mondays full of carrot and celery sticks.

 

Crantz tells the Indy that Laguna students should hide mayo and butter in school backpacks. They do wonders for Monday carrot and celery sticks. And bring enough, so you can pass the mayo to fellow students in need of comfort food.  

 

 

 

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1 COMMENT

  1. Mark, please read the CDC’s website: “Childhood obesity is a serious problem in the United States putting kids at risk for poor health. Despite recent declines in the prevalence among preschool-aged children, obesity amongst all children is still too high.” Our kids don’t need mayo and fried ice-cream. Anyway, you previously wrote that you didn’t like school and only went 50% of the time. Guess the fried food wasn’t enough of an incentive. Leave our kids alone and write about issues in your own life.

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