Pet Peeves

Monkey in the Middle

I’ve been taking the new digital Indy out for a test drive. I like it very much. It is user-friendly and the layout is more attractive. What I didn’t expect was to learn how inane my writing is. Let me share this discovery with you. First, readers must understand that some articles do not make the paper Indy. There’s only so much room. So, there are many times when a column only appears in the digital Indy and not the paper Indy. My followers do not like when I appear in only the digital Indy. They prefer to burn the paper Indy instead of burning their computer Indy in effigy of me. It’s much less expensive. Who can blame them? Some readers are on their sixth computer. I’d apologize, but my lawyer won’t let me.

In the old digital Indy, key words would suggest other columns that you might like to read. So let’s say the city council was mentioned, then there would be three other articles tagged about the city council that you might read. But with my articles, readers were directed to just another three articles written by me. This made readers extra mad. However, being a newbie to newspapers, I was just excited to see my picture three more times. I thought, man I’m great. What I should have been thinking is that my subject matter does not relate to anybody else. Oops. This last issue was a case in point.

Two of my writing colleagues are Susan McNeal Velasquez and Michael Ray. They are very good writers with important stuff to say. I suspect if you ask either one of them about me, they will tell you that I owe them a computer. The new digital Indy directs you to the article before me and the next article after me that you could read. In the last issue, I was the monkey in the middle between Susan and Michael. I shamefully admit I missed seeing additional pictures of me in the old format. Down in the dumps and not able to reread another article by me, I read their columns, instead. Susan’s column was about letting intuition loose on our usual intellectual way of controlling our lives. Michael’s column gave sage advice about putting families or tribes over monetary gains. Both presented in depth analysis on important subjects.

My article was about dead fish. Their articles made the paper Indy and mine didn’t. My only relief was the fact that my dead fish article was not wrapped in the newspaper. This means the Mob still likes me enough not to make me dead. It’s a start. I’ll get to live another day to try to write an article somebody might relate to. Here’s a hint of my following article line-up. “Pimp My Ride 2.0. Pimp My Ride 3.0. And Pimp My Ride 4.0.”

Stop. Don’t burn your computers. Give the columns a chance. In “Pimp My Ride 2.0,” the driver uses his intuition to foresee unexpected twist and turns in life. By mastering the unexpected, the driver has more time to spend with his family and tribe. Whew. Should be relatable. Look for me in the next paper Indy. I won’t be the monkey in the middle. Susan and Michael, my lawyer’s number is….

Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago. He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.” His recently deceased border collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter.