A Re-gift Suggestion
Wow. I read in the Indy that Bill and Sue Gross donated $10 million to Mission Hospital. This is the same amount as my next year’s Obamacare deductible. In the words of California Care advertising “I’m In” way over my head and that sorely needs examining. Now it can be with imaging equipment that the hospital will be able to upgrade to. This gift by Bill and Sue was very generous, indeed. It is the biggest one in Mission Hospital’s history. For their generosity, the hospital will name a wing after them.
Hospitals give out wings. Universities give out chairs. I got a dinette set once. But technically this shouldn’t count because I bestowed the table and chairs on myself. Which reminds me, I still owe Montgomery Ward payments. The last billing notice threatened to take back my dinette set, if the payment schedule was not made current or the company went out of business. The company bit the dust and I’ve retained my dinette designation and continue to enjoy breakfast. Things have not worked out as nicely for Ward employees though. They are currently having breakfast at a soup kitchen. Yuck, soup for breakfast. No one deserves that. My dinette set is always opened to disenfranchised employees who need a Mimosa to get going in the morning. Bloody Marys served for weekend brunch.
Hospitals take their wings and titles seriously. I worked for a large teaching hospital in the 1980s. I was head of marketing for their HMO. This is a peculiar position because ultimately I’m selling the hospital and health plan to consumers. Physicians found my job distasteful and me a snake oil salesman. They had me dead on, even without the sophisticated imaging equipment that Mission Hospital will soon enjoy. So you might imagine my delight when I found out that my name appeared on thousands of hospital directories as Crantz, MD. The MD was for Mark Douglas. But I kept that to myself. Instead, I boasted to anyone in earshot that I was the only doctor without medical/ residency training and my lack of school loans proved it. Within a day all the “Ds” in my name were taken down. I continued to claim the “M” stood for medical and I had half the no school loans to prove it. Eventually, staff quit listening to me and I lost my job. I still wonder to this day what they did with all those extra “Ds.” They could never hire that many doctors to recycle the “Ds” that I worked so hard to defend. Those people responsible for the “Ds” removal are not invited over to my dinette set for a power breakfast of Mimosas.
I can’t stop thinking of this $10 million gift. I’d like to get my hands on it. All I need to do is persuade Bill and Sue Gross to persuade the hospital to re-gift it my way. Could be difficult. But may be not impossible. Got it. I’ll tell Bill and Susan that “laughter is the best medicine,” therefore these funds need to be redirected to me.
Sure, there’s the slight chance they might decline to make the hospital re-gift because they don’t find me amusing, but I still have my title, Mark Douglas Crantz, Dinette Set Emeritus to fall back on. Mimosas anyone?
Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago. He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.” His recently deceased Border Collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter
