Pet Peeves

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Banana Peel

By Mark D. Crantz
By Mark D. Crantz

I’ve been fascinated by Indy readers reaction to the web-published guest column, “Ban the Bananas.” The author, Mindaugas Gedaudas, claims that radiation from spent fuel rods is no more lethal than if you stuck 50-80 million bananas in your ear. So far, I’m up to 125 bananas and feel just fine. What did you say readers? I can’t hear you. I have 125 bananas in my ears.

I just returned from the Sleepy Hollow Medical Group and got the bumps on my head looked at. The diagnosis wasn’t radiation, but slipping and falling on 125 banana peels almost did me in. My wife has no sympathy for my scientific method and in a fit of frustration switched from being a vegetarian and took a bite out of me. No need for alarm, the Laguna Beach Animal Hospital informed me that my wife probably isn’t rabid, but is being held for a few days for observation. I would have gotten her help sooner, but the vet doors were marked dog entrance and cat entrance. I didn’t see vengeful wife’s entrance and loitered longer than was medically wise. Fortunately, a helpful policeman arrived to dislodge my wife from my back and probably saved my life from a terrible beat down. I’d like to thank the police for the timely intervention and assure them that I won’t be pressing charges. I do suggest a restraining order on my wife to stay 150 feet away from banana displays at Ralphs, Vons and Albertsons.

So far there have been 15 comments generated from this banana article. I’m below average in math and science. To me both sides sound smart and right. I can’t seem to get my brain around the issue. I’ve been distracted by the author’s dashing good looks in the Panama hat that he’s wearing in the picture. I can’t pull of these wide brimmed hats. Makes my head look small and insignificant. My clothing advisor steers me away from attire that’s too revealing.

However my pea brain under the baseball hat has made a discovery of sorts. I found in the digital Indy those stories that have generated the most commentary. So far, readers seem most interested in food served in the high school with 35 comments. Followed by drinking rules with 33 comments; gay marriage with 24 comments; and skateboarding with 21 comments.

So it seems that being nuked by radiation is fifth in arousing reply and comment. I suppose the issue could top the charts, if we could get a gay foodie teenager to carry spent nuclear fuel rods down Park Avenue drinking a Bud Light and sticking a banana in his ear. Then we’d have something to talk about.

 

Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago. He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.” His recently deceased Border Collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter.

 

 

 

 

 

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