Team 33.5
Relay Team 33.5 did it. That’s Team 33.5 Miles Across the Sea. They crossed the Catalina Channel in nineteen hours and 44 minutes. Columbus came in second, followed by Magellan in third and Dora the Explorer in fourth. Team 33.5 could have done the crossing in six hours, but several members dropped the baton along the way and they had to start over. The team captain, Thomas Hale told reporters, “You’d think a sports company could make a baton that floats. But at least it allows me to blame the equipment and not my teammates.”
The team started the race off of Catalina Island around 7 p.m. Friday night. It was unclear how they got to Catalina. There was an early race rumor that the group walked on water to get there. You would think that feat would get more attention than the swim back, but the oil spill disqualified the miracle to be taken seriously by local church groups. Also, the miracle was drowned out by third graders from the Middle of the World Elementary, who texted that Team 33.5 was seen riding over on the back of the Loch Ness sea monster. The third graders contend the sea monster was on vacation from Scotland at the invite of his local monster relative, the Kraken. The third graders, who are steeped in local folklore, raised money for the local Pacific Marine Mammal Center by selling t-shirts that read, “No more homework. Release the Kraken.” Unfortunately, teachers and school administrators could not be reached for comment. Local authorities are investigating their disappearance.
Thomas Hale reached Main Beach at 3 p.m. Saturday afternoon. His dog was there to greet him along with an officer from animal control, who gave Tom an off leash ticket. Likewise, beach patrol officers gave a ticket for not having a landing rights’ permit, a ticket for disturbing the kelp forest, and a ticket for disrupting tidal pool wildlife. Tom tearfully accepted the tickets and said, “It’s good to be home,” at which point the Zoning Commission stepped in to give a ticket for an undisclosed and illegal short-term renter transaction with the Ness family, who had been put up there during the swim back.
Thomas’ daughter, Faith, participated in the swim and is a local lifeguard. She was asked to comment about her adventure, but didn’t respond to repeated questions due to a suspected bad case of swimmer’s ear. Local medics were seen hopping on one foot to demonstrate to Faith on how to get seawater dispersed. Unfortunately, the renowned medical technique did not drain the blocked ear canals and Faith was issued with another Laguna ticket for illegally transporting water during a drought.
Faith, who lives up to her name, told reporters in a very loud voice, “I have confidence that my condition will be cured and I’ll be ready to go next year and we’ll beat the record, too.”
Mark, a renowned swimmer in his own right, has crossed the English Channel and is the only swimmer to cross it by staying on the left lane side. At the time, The French complained at the English snub, but Crantz just turned around and doggy paddled back to the Cliffs of Dover after marking his territory on the French side.
