Short List
I read with interest the Indy article, “Forum Defines Traits of a Super Superintendent.” Community members met to discuss desired qualities that they would look for in the new hire. The current superintendent is retiring at the end of the school year to pursue a life of travel without having a classroom bell ring in her next destination. “It will be a relief to go my own way without being commanded by a static screeching PA system,” explained the current superintendent right before a static screeching PA system cut the interview short.
The forum came up with a long list of desired qualities, including that the successful candidate has local knowledge of the community. This trait placed the entire cast of “Lagunatics” in the running. The cast was overjoyed by the news and promised that next year’s show would be entitled “We’ll Take the High Road,” based on the real life story of Laguna’s social host ordinance. At the news, the forum disqualified the cast for being inappropriate. “We can’t trust class clowns for such an important position.” The cast responded at the news by trying to squirt water from their lapel flowers while singing and dancing stage left to “Singing in the Drought.”
Other desired traits included transparency and honesty. As one participant put it, “Don’t put lipstick on a pig, keep it forthright.” Others agreed with her with the additional understanding that metal piercings would be preferable to lipstick in order to better relate to the student body. This discussion led to the successful candidate having magnetism and the ability to attract staff, parents, and metal filings.
Attendants were given two red dots to use on what they considered the most important qualities and traits for a superintendent. Additional qualities included integrity, out of the box thinking, sensitivity to a well-rounded program that includes all learning styles, and an ability to anticipate controversy, avoid it at all costs and still appear fiscally responsible to taxpayers even as you pad Laguna’s parking expenses on your days off.
After a short recess to consider their red dot selections, each forum attendant was blind folded, spun around three times and gently directed at the quality listings in the front of the room. Of the 30 attendants, 23 placed the dots on chairs and desks, six people put the dots on themselves, and only one pinned it down right.
I was the winning red dot pinner, of course. I’ve pinned my hopes on two candidates. My short list includes Bradley Cooper, the fine actor from the movie “Limitless,” because it will take a person taking a brain pill to meet, greet and please everybody all of the time. Of course, I realize that this support is also saying yes to drugs, which is a big no-no in schools. So, in the event my first candidate is unwelcomed, my back up red dot goes to resident Howard Hills. He’s been involved with the school district, understands the issues and would do Laguna Beach parents, students, and teachers proud. And I’m not joking around for once. Howard Hills would make a great superintendent.
Presently, Mark is busy getting a GED from an Internet high school that permits his avatar to do the homework.
