By Mark D. Crantz
Gilligan has an island and wants to be found. I have a paradise, Laguna Beach, I don’t want found out. Wish me luck with that because there are spies among us. Recent news has revealed that NSA is looking into everybody’s business. NSA says it is necessary for national security. The privacy advocates say, “I’m going to the bathroom. Leave me alone.” NSA counters, “Number one or number two?” It stinks is the only thing the two sides agree on.
Rest uneasy because there’s no place to hide. NSA can see you from space. They read your emails and texts. They listen in on your phone calls. They look at your bank statements. They scan you at airports and that means they’ve seen you in your birthday suit. I know because NSA has asked me to leave the country. NSA is claiming that I’m a person of disinterest. According to NSA, my emails are boring and full of grammatical errors. My banking records reveal that I haven’t laundered money because my checking account has no money for detergent. And the airport scans of me are an affront to Homo sapiens and severely test the scientific law of natural selection. I’ve been directed to immigration and naturalization offices to begin proceedings for deportation. The process requires singing the Star Spangle Banner in reverse in Francis Scott key, without a costume mishap.
Fortunately, I have a good lawyer, Bill A. Buel. He invented nano-second billing. Actually, that’s incorrect. The first fast billing practice was founded in the 1600s by English barristers who started the Whig party. These English lawyers, after long days in court, would in the evening hours keep on their wigs and add dresses and makeup to see whom among them could best imitate their clerical associates by sending out the most bills using only a quill and a bottle of ink. The Bush family was an early founder of the Whig party, but lost their membership for using a Gutenberg press while appearing in drag that had an unsettling resemblance to Barbara, who’s likeness scared all the other members to drink their own ink. Later the Bushes would start the Skull and Bones Society at Yale, which didn’t require dressing up. Instead, Mum’s the word. But let’s get back on point. Bill A. Buel invented nano-second collection that transpires at nearly the same time as nano-second billing. Thankfully, I’m a fast talking client and I can talk as fast as necessary, if it means getting me off the person of disinterest list.
According to Bill A. Buel, the case revolves around proving that I am a person of interest. We will show the court irrefutable evidence that I’ve broken 8 of the 10 commandments and require around the clock watching. I will make my court appearance in wig, makeup, and dress with an astonishing resemblance to Madonna while singing the Star Spangle Banner on key and with enough costume mishaps that even NSA will not be able to take their eye in the sky off me.
In the unlikely event that an appeal is necessary, I will resort to appearing as Barbara Bush that will make NSA swallow their computer bytes until hell snowden’s over. I’m as good as a person of interest again.
Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago. He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.” His recently deceased Border Collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter.