renaissance

Pet Peeves: Kryptonite

By Mark D. Crantz

 

2 col pet peeves Mark CrantzLaguna Beach is pretty as a picture.  But wait not so fast.  That can’t be.  I’m in the shot and someone’s tugging at Superman’s cape.  It makes takeoffs difficult.  And that’s not the first thing to go wrong. A decade ago telephone booths went to the scrap heap because of the proliferation of mobile phones. In a nano second (a measurement of time my wife takes to find me another honey do) Superman had no place to change into his superhero costume. Fortunately, Laguna Beach has retained one red telephone booth on Forest to accommodate his quick-change needs. If that wasn’t enough troubles, most recently, Superman had the misfortune to purchase his do-gooder duds from Lululemon. Fortunately, he realized the dressing faux pas before having to save the world for the umpteenth time.

Everyone knows that our favorite superhero is allergic to kryptonite. It’s less well known that he’s allergic to nuts and bee stings, too. The last two items give him a rash.  However, just a thimbleful of kryptonite incapacitates him and he’s unable to work.  Thankfully, Superman has Aflac insurance that helps pay his mortgage and daily expenses, like airport takeoff and landing fees. We mere mortals can relate. Just a thimbleful of plutonium from the San Onofre nuclear power plant could wipe out San Clemente. Two thimblefuls and we’re talking Laguna Beach. This is bad stuff.  Everyone was happy to hear that San Onofre was closing. That’s good news.

But there’s bad news too. “Anti-nuclear advocates are shifting their concerns to the 1,400 tons of nuclear waste, known as spent fuel, being stored at the Edison plant, located just above the renowned San Onofre surf break. Once operations are ceased, Edison is required within two years to file a decommissioning plan, which must be completed within 60 years, according to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.” This is superhero serious and dangerous.

I’ve always believed in Yankee ingenuity.  Americans are known to be smart, resourceful, and hard working, say as compared to the French, who prefer vacations and lifelong pensions that start at 14 years of age. For purposes of full disclosure, I may be a little French. Also, I’d like to point out that the French get most of their energy needs from nuclear power.  But they had the political sense to put these facilities on the border with Germany.  In case of a nuclear mishap the prevailing western winds would send the radioactive cloud to another country that manufactures some of the best luxury automobiles in the world.  In this way, the French have preempted World War III and given their car the Citroen a chance of a major global comeback.

Now the Nuclear Regulatory Commission doesn’t deserve a comeback for allowing San Onofre to be built in the first place.  I propose that these people should be sentenced to live at the nuclear plant until it’s dismantled safely. I would think that this would be a good incentive to get the plant closed before the 60-year requirement.

To be sentencing failsafe, I would make all nuclear proponents, who are incarcerated at San Onofre plant, have to listen to fellow detainee, George W. Bush, pronounce nuclear over and over until the end of the world or until they safely decommission this nuclear time bomb.  Say it again, George.

 

Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago.  He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.”  His recently deceased Border Collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter.

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