It was reported that Wayne Baglin has been selected citizen of the year and will lead the Patriots Day Parade this coming March. “It was a close race,” leaked a confidential informant (CI). “It was hard to hear everything over the hum of the electrical box, but there were three contenders, counting one contender who was breathing down my neck in the same utility closet. Why do you need me as a confidential informant, if you are eavesdropping from the same hiding spot and hearing the same stuff?” questioned the CI. “Deniability, that’s why,” I answered. “That makes no sense. If I get caught, you’ll be caught,” huffed the CI. “Oh no, I won’t get nabbed. I’ll tell parade organizers that you kidnapped me to keep me out of the running. That’s my failsafe, then I’ll get their sympathy votes and become citizen of the year, I mumbled back through my self-adhered duct tape. “You’re originally from Chicago, right?” asked the CI. “Yes. Chicagoans vote early and often and have never lost a race. Just ask a Kennedy,” I answered.
I wasn’t ready to make my concession speech and concede Baglin the winner yet. From what I heard while hiding in the utility closet was a lot of talk about my candidacy. One parade organizer was overheard saying, “Crantz used last year’s belly dancers as references. I believe they created quite the ruckus at the Marine Room Tavern, whereas, Baglin’s references, who may have two left feet and no talented tummies, are all upstanding citizens and should trump Crantz’s references. I vote yes for Baglin and vote no for Crantz,” summed up one doubting Thomas.
“References are not as important as the essay section or the personal interviews that we conducted,” chimed another parade organizer. “Crantz aced the essay section,” declared a committee member. “He wrote that he could relate to the parade’s theme, ‘the home of the free because of the brave’ better than anyone else. As I remember the essay, Crantz found himself, wife and dog in a battered 1991 Miata that had been left out in a disastrous Midwest winter on one fine spring day, which is the length of spring in Chicago. After gallantly jumping the Miata battery from a less battered car in Crantz’ poor man’s car collection, the family climbed in to enjoy a Sunday ride with the top down. No sooner than letting the clutch out, Crantz felt a mouse run up his leg. Under rodent fire, Crantz leapt 50 yards to safety, and then heroically called back to wife and dog to seek shelter from an apparent infestation.” “That’s not heroic. That’s a cowardly act,” declared a listening committee member. “Well according to Crantz, he was running for help and intended to bring back the Orkin man, which shows great thinking under fire. Let’s not count Crantz out yet. Let’s reread the Baglin essay to compare who’s a mouse or who’s a man,” countered a Crantz’ supporter.
The head of the parade committee spoke up. “I think I’ve heard enough. Baglin has been here four decades, is a former city council member, a long time volunteer, served as president of the Festival of Arts. Crantz is a newcomer who told us during the interview session that he had to take the fifth under the advice of his Chicago attorney. So, all who are in favor of Baglin, please raise your hands. That does it then. Baglin is our citizen of the year and will head the 2014 Patriots Day Parade.
For the record Crantz came in second by one vote over the third candidate who has too many inconsistencies over his alleged Hawaiian birth certificate.
I know defeat when I hear it and graciously concede the race. Congrats Mr. Baglin. And I regret to inform the parade committee that I must step aside on the kind runner up offer to follow the elephants in this year’s parade.
Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago. He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.” His recently deceased border collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter.
