Work from Home

By Mark Crantz

By Mark Crantz

It was a close call.  In a 3-2 decision the village council passed a work at home project in the canyon. I advise resident artists not to take their work home with them. What dear readers? You’re saying I missed the whole point of the passage, whose intent is to provide local artists with low cost housing by providing at-home workspace to create great art.  Well, I’ve been there and tried that.  It cost me dearly many years ago. I would bring my work home and share with the family on how my day went. “Don’t care Dad.  Boring. Get a life. It’s health insurance for crying out loud. Can’t you be like Sally’s Dad? He deals drugs and got himself a reality show on USA, where characters are welcomed.” My bad.

Sally’s Dad and the show were a hit.  He told me once that I was half way there to having the perfect setup. “Crantz, listen to me. You have a job that is boring and one that no one wants to hear about. It’s great cover. Now all you have to do is work from home, as say, a CIA agent scheduling the next secret mission, where you’ll infiltrate Scientology to determine if there really is a minimum height requirement and find out how Tom Cruise became a member and the taller Katie Holmes didn’t,” explained Sally’s Dad.  “Crantz, you look confused. Here try this, it will clear things up for you,” Sally’s drug dealing Dad kindly offered.

I tried to endorse the idea of employees working from home.  My sales went from lots to zip, while my sales reports went from zip to lots. On paperwork emailed from employee homes, the company appeared to be improving and staff was close to exceeding their sales goals. I noticed that employees seemed much happier by the amount of unsolicited baked goods that I received. The baked goods were welcomed after the munchies I got from the work enhancing vitamins provided by Sally’s Dad. Things went from bad to worse when I was informed by an employee that she wouldn’t be able to provide the additional paperwork supporting sales figures because her new baby was teething. I inquired how long the teething process took and was told that it depended on whether the teeth came in straight or not. Unfortunately, the baby required a special retainer apparatus that delayed critical paperwork and my department missed its sales goal and my ultimate prize, an all expense paid trip to Bermuda. I didn’t hold the loss against the baby with bad teeth, but I did deny the electric toothbrush claim as a company expense.

In hindsight, I admit that my employees were very artistic when it came to creating sales figures from home. The picture they painted was very realistic and I was fooled that this picture was worth a thousand domestic excuses. My boss, who was a better judge of art than me, kindly painted a picture that showed me the door of an office that I was escorted out of by security. But remember, when one door closes another one opens at home where I am now working on the greatest piece of art ever. My resume. If you hear of anything, please call.

Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago.  He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.”  His recently deceased Border Collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter.

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