Musings on the Coast

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Shark Attack!

By Michael Ray
By Michael Ray

 

By now, you’ve read, seen videos of and heard about great white sharks in the local waters.

The papers and TV stations are going nuts. Surely you saw the video of the sheriff’s helicopter looking down at 15 great whites directly off Capo beach. The funniest thing was the helicopter loudspeaker loudly blaring, “Surfers, there are 15 great whites all around you.   Please paddle,” he said, and get this, “please paddle slowly and calmly to the shore.”

Cool. You’ve just scared the hell out of them and you expect them to paddle slowly and calmly with fifteen great whites all around them?

Further, a woman swimming off Big Corona in Newport was attacked and had massive wounds.   Experts think it was a mistake; that the shark was tasting her, not liking it, and moving on.

At my favorite Laguna cove, we felt devastated for the woman, but otherwise we were ecstatic by the shark scares. Yeah, get out of the water, now, else great whites will chew your dangling legs, outstretched arms, or maybe your head.

To tell you why we are delighted, let me share a true story about a plane ride I took to Honolulu. The air traffic was jammed, so we slowly circled Ohau at a low altitude. I had a window seat on the left side and we were circling to the left, so I could see the waters below and the creatures in them. It blew my mind. There were several dozen swarms of tiger sharks all cruising right off the surf line and all around the island. The surfers dangled their legs within easy striking distance.

I thought, surely there are shark attacks all around the island, and hurriedly bought the papers to discover how many. But there were no reported attacks.   Nada.

So, I researched the issue and discovered the same thing that experts said about the woman off Big Corona. Sharks rarely attack humans. We are not part of their usual prey. We don’t taste right. Nonetheless, those facts do not matter.   People are frightened to death.

Last week, the Orange County Register reported that the most popular OC surf spot, San Onofre, was almost deserted. Usually hundreds of surfers compete for the waves, which means you don’t get many rides.   On the day of The Register report, only about 10 guys were in the water.   One of them said it was one of the best surf days he’d ever had. The surf was a perfect chest high peeling beauty and he could get as many waves as he wanted.   He was delighted.

So down at The Cove, we’re delighted too. We are spreading GREAT WHITES!! scare stories as quickly as we can. We want the waters to ourselves.

But, well, our hopes have been dashed.   They’ve been dashed because the city comes to the rescue. Laguna Beach spokesperson Roma Rambling declared: “In an emergency meeting of the City Council, we saved Laguna Beach from the sharks. Great whites may roam the waters of San Onofre, Capo Beach, Newport or Seal Beach, but they are not welcome in Laguna anymore: The City Council formally has outlawed them.”

In the following news conference, she went on: “After all, the City of Laguna Beach successfully has banned many things.

For example: We’ve outlawed anything approaching good public art by appointing Arts Commissioners who are incompetent to judge what good public art is.

“We’ve outlawed good architecture by forcing reluctant property owners to endure a series of committees controlled by different sets of incompetent committee members. This tactic took several years to kick in, but now it is working: home owners have capitulated to the inevitable mediocre of design by committees.

“Regarding local retailers, we are getting close to success in banning them via micro-managing where they can locate and what they can sell. Just look around the City.   The retail vacancy rate never has been higher. This took years, but finally we are seeing success.

“You know of course we’ve banned smoking.   There has been some confusion on this issue as local stoners are too busy getting high to know the ordinance, but they’ll be under control shortly.

“We’ve banned medicinal marijuana dispensaries.   They attract criminal classes we do not want in our city. We know illegal drug dealers still will fill the demand; they could be hunted by hardened criminals as they make their deliveries, but that is not our problem.”

After this, there was silence within the gathered press conference reporters. They did not know how to react. Maybe, they thought, Laguna had something going for it.   After all, since the ban there have been no great white sightings. It must be safe. The city assures it.

 

Local Mike Ray works in real estate development.

 

 

 

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