Alone, But Warmed by His Adopted Hometown

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Editor’s Note: New submissions from Christine Fugate’s writing class.

HolidayDigest

By James Utt
By James Utt

In 2001, our children out of high school, my wife convinced me we should move to Laguna Beach, the city where she had grown up. Reluctant at first to leave Irvine, our home of 20 years, I was soon seduced by the beauty, warmth, and charm of this city. Moving from the sterile planned community of Irvine to Laguna was like that part in the “Wizard of Oz” where the picture changes from black and white to color.

There is no more beautiful time of year in Laguna than the holiday season. The beautiful antique streetlamps, the trees around the village festooned with lights, the trolleys driven by (perhaps) the real Santa – top this off with the gentle beauty of the bells from the Presbyterian Church, as if Quasimodo himself was ringing them to call the residents of Paris to mass. Who could not be moved by all of this?

Yet, I cannot be moved in the same way that most are by the spirit of the season because I am an agnostic. Try as I might, and I tried for many years, I cannot believe in what I see as a lovely fabrication. If I could believe, it would be a soothing balm for my wounded heart. On July 14, 2013, cancer wrung the last few ounces of life from my wife’s tortured body. Well meaning people tell me my wife “is in a better place.” Not so, unless being in an urn at the bottom of the sea off our coast is better than living on Tahiti Avenue with a husband that loves you. There are times when I am envious of those who are comfortable in, and so reassured by, their faith But, I am unable to make what the philosopher Kierkegaard called “the leap of faith.” It’s just too far to jump.

Before my wife became too ill to travel, we spent many holiday seasons in Manhattan where we loved to walk the streets at night. Lexington Avenue, Broadway, Fifth Avenue, all were breathtaking in their energy and excitement. We loved our time there. However, our favorite holiday street remained Forest Avenue here at home in Laguna. New Yorkers get a bad rap for being brusque or haughty. Some are; most aren’t. But the friendliness that seems endemic to the residents of Laguna wins hands down over any place we had traveled to in our 39 years together.

A couple of years ago, when my wife was still able to walk medium distances, we strolled hand in hand from City Hall, down Forest and back up Ocean, surrounded by the smiling faces of residents and tourists alike. We wished we could somehow capture the spirit of the holiday season and spread it around the rest of the year. The country, indeed the world, could use a little more joy and a lot more peace on earth.                                                                                                                                          This past Christmas, the first after Kathy’s death, I did not walk the streets during the holiday season. It would be too lonely, I thought. This year I plan to resume the walk. I will probably start at the new Senior Center, because, well, dear god (agnostics can still use this term), I am now a senior. Then, I’ll walk under the wonderful streetlamps, see the huge tree lit up in front of City Hall and then turn down Forest. I won’t stop in at the Lumberyard, which was Cedar Creek when we moved here, because it was the last place Kathy and I had dinner out. Still can’t go back yet.

Then, past The Flower Shop run by Bev, a native of South Africa, and one of the nicest people I have met living here. Then on to Rock Martin where Michael and Heather made such beautiful jewelry for Kathy on those special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries. They were always so nice to us. Bushard’s will probably be closed but I will think of their helpful staff as I go by. I never fail to feel better after a visit with the good people who work there, their smiles and friendly attitudes as valuable as the drugs they dispense. A few quick steps and I am at 230 where at least one drink must be consumed. Over the years it has been my Cheers, sharing drinks and conversation with dear friends who have helped keep me afloat during stressful times.

No, I do not believe in the Christmas story, but the warmth of Laguna and its residents during this season helps to fill a hole in my heart and, just maybe, my soul.

 

James Utt is a retired high school teacher who enjoys reading, travel, tennis and scotch. Not necessarily in that order.

 

 

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2 COMMENTS

  1. Mr. Utt,

    I remember your classes fondly as one of the highlights of my High School experience. While I was originally pretty happy to stumble across this article, I quickly grew quite sad to hear of your wife’s passing.

    I wish you all of the best, and my condolences.

    Michael C. Bock

  2. Condolences. However, you are not from Laguna Beach and have no qualifications for your comments. You are lame.

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