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“My Cat Wants to Eat Me for Thanksgiving Dinner”

By Susan Jacob
By Susan Jacob

“Research shows that house cats have personality characteristics most similar to lions and would eat their owner if they were able.”

Hilarious. Has this guy ever lived with a cat? Is he indulging in L.S.D. or possible cat nip?

Wow, is he missing the reality of living with a cat. Leo, who does resemble a lion, thus his name, has chosen me to serve him or mother him, which by definition is likely the same thing.

Does this guy realize how incredibly finicky house cats are about their food? Of course outdoor cats are predators and with opportunity will kill thousands of birds a year. Humans, who are predators, also kill thousands of birds, particularly turkeys as well as various other critters every year, given the interest and opportunity, but they don’t typically go home and eat their mothers.

Last summer, when I went on vacation, Leo refused to eat food presented by a house sitter not of his choosing. He lost weight and became too thin. He maintained the energy to assault the dream catcher feathers I had brought home as a souvenir and hung on the wall. He had great stealth and planned his attack while the said feather blew in the breeze over my visiting grandsons head, providing him with quite a shock.

I discovered that the feathers that certainly did not help my grandson’s dreams presented nicely on my pillow. I presume a homecoming gift.

Leo does not even choose to lick me unless I present my finger properly with whipped cream. Leo will likely help himself to my pumpkin pie topping only. He does prefer my water to his own. He drinks it by putting his kitty-litter paw in my glass and slowly licking it.

Leo is entirely predictable and rules our house with a primarily silent attitude of entitlement. I am to sleep facing him or he will incessantly tap my head until I turn his way. I must always look at him when awake; if I read a book or newspaper he will proceed to stretch his entire body over the intrusion. Computer keys receive similar treatment as he just keeps walking across them.

Leo insists that my husband and I always be in the same room. If we do not comply he will actually meow and surrounds us again and again until we understand our instructions. He will for unknown reasons steal my husband’s chair at every opportunity. He will also circle and meow at anyone who dares to sit in my seat or rather our seat.

My job is to sit or lay as still as possible. Leo will then use his large paw to direct my proper petting direction. I know when he has been served properly because I am rewarded with a quite soothing purr. This process lures both of us into a state of relaxation that other researchers have found to be incredibly health promoting. Since it is unheard of to disturb the cat, I may get out of washing all those holiday dishes. Of course, those researchers are the ones the cats in their house choose not to eat.

Leo, on the occasions that I receive roses, will eat them and certainly disrupt them. But other than a few well-chosen bites from my dinner plate, especially turkey, Leo is nearly impossible to feed. Eventually the cat vet suggested canned Fancy Feast. Certain flavors have been successful.

Note to researchers: unless you chop me up in small bite-sized pieces and serve me up from a pop-top can labeled Fancy Feast Mommy with gravy. Good luck.

Further note to researchers: cats don’t have personality characteristics they have feline characteristics. Cats have been domesticating people for thousands of years the world over. This does not make them people and I am not sure they will allow us to become cats. Who would serve them dinner?




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