Just for Laughs

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By Irene DeBasio
By Irene DeBasio

SHOPLIFTERS WANTED – We have developed a brand new security system.  We need shoplifters to try it out for us. See if they can detect it, dismantle it or do anything to stop it from working.  We will pay you $100 if you can disable it (so we improve it).  #ComeAndGrab

 

RETIRED LADY would love to learn to speak Spanish.  If you can teach me to speak Spanish, how to cook authentic paella, we can make a deal.

You will come to my home for a couple of hours once a week.  Manicurist/hairdresser – a big plus. Excellent $$$  #BuenosDias

 

LANDSCAPE CONTEST – Do you enjoy planning and planting gardens?  Win a contract with our garden supply company and a $500 prize.  We

will tell you where your garden patch is located; you tell us what you need to plant a beautiful garden. No succulents.  #PushingUpDaisies

 

ARE YOU A MAN’S MAN?  Middle-aged jerk, lost my license (under the influence) and need a good guy to help me out. You drive me to work at 8:45 AM – pick me up from work at 6:30, drive me to Diversion therapy once a week (Wednesdays). No Uber – Deal?  #UDriveMe

 

PRETTY BLUE-EYED BLONDE at Zinc Café on Friday morning.  You sneezed and I gave you a tissue.  You said, “Thank you.”  You were eating

avocado toast with a side of waffles.  I was older guy sitting at the next table. Please contact me; we can meet there again?  #UncleTony

 

Irene DeBlasio, retired essayist and poet, resides in Laguna Woods.

 

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4 COMMENTS

  1. Can a non-shoplifter apply to the #comeandgrab? Figure I can break whatever it is for the hundred. I also wouldn’t mind trying out for the #pushingupdaisies competition although I was never one to have a green thumb.

    Great stuff as always, Ms. D.

  2. Hello Geedee,

    I’m super impressed by your loyalty — thanks so much for your comments. If you are accident-prone or have a knack for breaking things then you really should try out for the shoplifter gig. I would not recommend the landscape competition. The winner must have a green thumb and will need to be available for watering and planting on a regular basis. #UDriveMe is still open if you enjoy driving a jerk all around town.

  3. “RETIRED LADY would love to learn to speak Spanish.”
    __________
    Pure Castilian, perhaps. Or does she fancy learning to cook tacos and enchiladas? 😉

  4. I think she already speaks Spanish but would like to have someone available to cook, do her hair and nails. I guess she recalls having the Paella in Barcelona on the beach. She told me she doesn’t need to speak Castilian necessarily — just enough Spanish to make herself understood.
    You can add arroz con pollo to her desired menu.

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