TALL, DARK, illegally-handsome guy of 40 – going into the witness-protection program (Midwest, I think). Seeking a gorgeous female pen pal with late-model fast car/stunt driver preferred – must be ready for adventure/no talking on job. No flakes/good pay. #MarcoWithoutPolo
ANNABELLE – I am a 79-year-old retired school principal who would very much like to make the acquaintance of a gentleman dance partner. You must be well-mannered and groomed. Hair and teeth are a big plus. Must know fox trot, jitterbug and waltz. #StrictlyDancePartner
BELLA, BEAUTIFUL PARROT needs a good home. She is so sweet and adorable, but I can’t possibly keep her because she swears and curses like a sailor. I live near several churches and cannot bear the embarrassment any longer. She is excellent company and very neat. #CloseTheWindows
BRIGHT NEON ORANGE men’s leisure suit – medium size – with suede elbow patches – brand new – bargain $20. This luxurious item was bought by my wonderful wife, but it was on sale – no refund allowed – it’s the wrong size. Perfect for relaxing in your recliner. #ShortyBoy
DE-CLUTTER YOUR LIFE – GET ORGANIZED. I am an expert who will come into your home or office and teach you how to de-clutter your life. I will teach you how to get rid of junk, garbage like that bunch of pens that don’t work anymore, those candy wrappers/stuff. Per diem. #De-StressYou
Irene DeBlasio, retired essayist, lives in Laguna Woods.