Let’s Bring Back Stoning
This one is too good to pass up.
As you may know, Councilmember Peter Blake recently was “censured” for his “bad behavior,” a move started by Village Laguna because he constantly goes after them. He would say he calls out their “lies,” but whatever. Now Village Laguna wants to go one step further: it desires to revive a law dating back to 1953, by which “disorderly behavior is punished as a criminal offense.” This is because “Blake uses slurs or other offensive, disparaging or derogatory language.”
The City Attorney has stated the law is unenforceable (it being just slightly unconstitutional) and it is on the city council agenda for repeal.
But come on, guys, let’s get real. Peter Blake should be stoned instead. I do not mean stoned “to death.” That would be too much. Instead he should be tied to a pole in front of City Hall. Next to it should be a pail of (really small) stones so passersby can pick up a few and pitch them at Peter.
If that is not good enough for you, how about burning at the stake. Yeah, I know we supposedly stopped that practice after the Salem Witch Trials, but with Peter, he just could be a Warlock, and so burning at the stake might be justified.
Or if you do not like that, how about any one of the following:
Dunking: This is when the guilty person is tied to a chair that is lowered into water over the person’s head (kind of like water-boarding); then the chair is raised right before the person drowns. Then repeat until he repents.
Branding: Obviously, the brand should use the initials VL, standing for Village Laguna, so that Peter knows, who exactly, wants him branded.
Flagellation: But with a twist. Instead of the authorities whipping Peter, VL can make a ton of money by selling the flagellation rights to the highest bidder, and no bid under $100, please. Start them at, say, $1,000, and for a final price of $15,000 or more, the winner gets to choose his/her own favorite whip.
The Stocks: The stocks, obviously placed permanently outside City Hall, would be where Peter’s hands and head would be restrained in the full heat of the day, with him bent over painfully. Minimum time: two hours on the afternoon of council meetings so he is too tired to say much.
Tomato Target: This is easy. Kind of like stoning, but instead of stones, a pail of rotten tomatoes would replace the stones, and passersby could throw only rotten, and soft, tomatoes so that Peter is merely humiliated.
Cattle Prod: This is really fun. You tie Peter to that post, and then sell off the rights to Cattle Prod him. By this, I mean one of those electrified prods one uses to induce cattle to move. It would not kill Peter, obviously, but he’s good for one jolt every 10 minutes. Hell, he is healthy as a horse.
Or better yet, what do you kind readers like? Please do write, but note only truly diabolical punishments will be printed.
Michael is co-founder of Orange County School of the Arts and The Discovery Cube.
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