Opinion: Pet Peeves

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Life Coach-Lesson 11

By Mark Crantz

The two largest purchases recorded during the pandemic are guns and toilet paper. So as your life coach, be careful what you wipe with. You don’t want to blow your ### off.  Luckily, a recent survey reveals readers who love Pet Peeves have their brains in the correct anatomical place. Whew, that’s a relief. But for those whose brains are elsewhere feel free to pull the trigger. We’ll wipe up after you. No suicide note is necessary. We’ll write it for you. “To Whom It May Concern: I bequeath my two tons of toilet paper to Pet Peeves readers and donate the brain I never used to fruit flies, where I’ve been told it will fit.”

What is it that makes guns and toilet paper so sought after? I went to ask a renowned psychiatrist. He said, “Stick them up.”  I raised my hands. “Give me all your toilet paper.  Preferably unused.” I handed over the goods and left to find my psychic who promised the day before that my moon was in line with Uranus and the 79 moons of Jupiter. “Hey, I almost got my moon shot off. You told me all was well astronomically.  What gives?  Then I noticed the note. “Sorry not to be there. Please donate my brain to fruit flies.”

I was on my own. The professionals were just as goofed up as the patients. So, I dialed up cable on demand for emotional support. I went to action movies for guns and I went to dirty movies for toilet paper. I streamed them together and got Schwarzenegger saying, “I’ll be back,” and then a cut to: the Charmin baby bear answering, “I’ll pick it up. My heinie’s clean, my heinie’s clean.” Cut back to Schwarzenegger raising his shotgun “Hasta la vista, baby.” Cut back to the Charmin commercial. “To Whom It May Concern:  Papa and Mama Bear donate baby bear’s underwear to the Museum of Television & Radio as an exemplary example of clean programming for children.”

I wasn’t any closer to understanding why guns and toilet paper are so popular. I thought I’d think some more about it on the commode. It’s where I do my best thinking. Five minutes later I realized I was in a bad fix. “Honey, could you get me some toilet paper, please. A few minutes later a hand comes around the bathroom door. “Here you go.”  I took the gun. “Thanks honey. It’s been a blast.”

Crantz tells the Indy that his wife was just kidding. She came back in the nick of time with squares to spare. 

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