Opinion: Pet Peeves

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Life Coach-Lesson 12

We are now several months into social distancing. It has been easier on me than others.  Social distancing isn’t new to me.  In seventh grade, I asked a girl to dance with me. She threw up on my shoes. Now 60 years later, I believe she meant yes when she felt better.   I still have those shoes, as a keepsake. They fit. So, my dance offer still stands. What? Is that the sound of barfing, again?

As your self anointed life coach, I understand for most people it is hard to remain positive in a time when you have been told to stay away from one another. Humans are social creatures by nature. They need contact. Handshakes, hugs, knifings, bludgeoning and up close gut shots are necessary social interactions to show our feelings for others. Now, it is difficult to show these emotions when a government mandate tells us to stay six feet apart.

And masks don’t help get us closer to one another. The other day in the supermarket, I found myself going down a grocery aisle. At the far end of the aisle a masked woman was waving at me. My wife was blowing kisses at me. I hurried towards her.  As I approached the six feet limit, she crumpled to the floor screaming, “Help me. Help me.” Security escorted me out of the store. They cut up my Ralphs card and told me to never come back. I asked them why? They told me I disregarded the painted footprint decals and was going the wrong way.  And two, the masked waving woman wasn’t my wife, but the girl I had asked to the dance. In my defense, I told security I was unaware of the 60-year restraining order that she had renewed every year. I waited in her car trunk to straighten things out.

While waiting inside the trunk, I gave more thought to how people get closer while wearing masks. In the time before the pandemic, people expressed themselves with their mouths. If they were happy and wanted to share their happiness, they smiled. If they were disappointed, they frowned. But nowadays we can’t see these facial expressions. We are at a loss to share our feelings. There must be a way—man, it’s sure is hot in this trunk—how can people show each other…is this the right car?

Then I heard a pop. The trunk lid opened. I saw a masked face. The eyes narrowed.  The eyebrows scrunched together into a unibrow. The fire-breathing dragon tattoo ran up over the mask. This was not the girl from the dance. But her husband had given me my answer. We can share our emotions through our eyes. It will just take some practice. He was very good at it.

Crantz tells the Indy that he has appealed to Ralph management to be reinstated under a person’s inalienable right to snack. Upon their response, Crantz offered to help them with their unibrow look.      

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