Opinion: Pet Peeves

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Life Coach – Lesson 13

By Mark Crantz

Shelter in place is wearing thin. Yesterday, I found a stay-six-feet-apart coronavirus sign on my bed’s headboard. I asked my wife about it. “I didn’t put it there.” But a note on the pillow read, “I’m a concerned Indy reader and represent a new coalition of every group in Laguna Beach. These groups have been at each other’s throats about the city’s future.  We’ve never agreed on what direction to take the city. You brought us together. We hate your column. Thank you for finding us common ground. For the sake of the city, please do not make any future baby columnists. It ends with you. P.S. We ate the pillow chocolate. You won’t need an aphrodisiac.”

You probably think I’m furious. I’m not. I’ll tell you why. The relief on my wife’s face told me how thankful she was for the community support. When I asked her how she felt, she said, “I’m glad they ate the chocolate. I don’t want the extra calories.” I nodded to the idea of slowing-down metabolisms. “But, what about the part saying they hated my column and didn’t support us having a baby columnist?” She knitted her brows. “What?  I missed that part. Oh well, they’re neighbors. Let’s just try to get along. Here’s a pillow and blanket for the couch.”

We’re hearing more and more about how the stay-at-home order has put a strain on marriages. Domestic abuse is up. Husbands complain at having to do chores they never did before.  Wives complain that husbands do not do the chores correctly.  “Stop tying my blouse sleeves in a lover’s knot before putting the clothes away.” Husbands wince. “I’m just trying to help. You don’t need to yell at me.” Wives respond with the 1,000-yard stare.  Husbands (Google) search,  “How to undo lover knots.”

As a self-anointed life coach, I encourage couples to be inventive. Spice things up. Find out what celebrity your spouse finds desirable. Put on their mask. Don’t worry. I’ve tried and tested it at home. My wife loves Ben Affleck. I put on his mask and continued to fold laundry in a lover’s knot. My wife was overwhelmed. “You’re drunk again. Get in the car now. I’ll drive you to rehab.”

Crantz tells the Indy he just watched Ben Affleck in the movie, “The Way Back.” Crantz ate rotten tomatoes in support.

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