Opinion: Pet Peeves

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Kitchen Chefs

By Mark Crantz

Oops. The Hotel Laguna was issued two red citations for work done without the necessary permits.  On June 9th and July 15th unpermitted work occurred in the restaurant and on an outside retaining wall. The developer apologized for the missteps and assured city officials to work closer with city staff in the future.

I hope so. Unwittingly, I go caught up in this situation and became part of the story.  Something a good reporter never wants to happen. Fortunately, I’m not a good reporter and just make stuff up. So, here’s the skinny. I made a hotel restaurant reservation on Dec. 14, 2017. The wait staff seated me and took my order. No one recognized me because no one ever reads this column. My cover was intact. I was there to review the food and atmosphere. “Sir, no shirt or shoes, no service,” advised the waiter.  “What?  It’s a beach town.” The waiter replied, “That’s true. But we must consider the other diners experience. They would prefer not seeing a beached whale during their meal. If you won’t cover up, then we will have no choice, but to call in the Pacific Marine Mammal Center for a rescue.” I considered their request. I knew the mammal center only served fish. I don’t like fish, so I covered up.   

I didn’t get the dustup. I was the only customer there. To calm myself down, I ordered a beer and avocado dip. I never got either. I’ve been patient. It’s been two years and eight months now. I’d like to give the place a good review, but I have nothing to work with.  While I waited, I gave the place the once over. The place looked old and worn. It needed a rehab badly. But I wouldn’t let the dilapidated atmosphere ruin a good meal. I waited for my beer and avocado dip.

I went into a coma because of the lack of food and drink. I was rehydrated 2 years and eight months later by a work crew that found me unresponsive near the retaining wall.  “Sir, you’re going to be okay. Here’s some water. Drink slowly. You don’t want to get sick.”  I shook my head no.  “Not water. I ordered beer. I need beer.” A workman caught up in my rescue advised, “Take off his shirt and shoes. Elevate his feet.” I winced.“No, don’t take my shirt and shoes. No service. I hate fish.”

I’m now recuperating at the Pacific Marine Mammal Center. I’ve been advised that I was the last hotel customer in December 2017 and accidentally left there. Fortunately for me, an unpermitted work crew found me and saved my life. The work crew was not supposed to be there, according to many city chefs in the kitchen. Well, I for one, think there are too many chefs in the kitchen to begin with.  And too many chefs spoil the beer broth.

Crantz tells the Indy that he is looking forward to making another reservation. He hopes it happens in his lifetime. 


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