Census Sense
By Mark Crantz
I will admit to receiving the census packet. So the excuse it was lost in the mail is not doable. However, my dog ate it did happen. The dog has been punished. He will not be counted as a family member. Any federal funded treats in his future have been eliminated.
The dog doesn’t seem fazed by these developments. He continues to eat all mail except offers from Nigeria royalty. No harm, no foul. I have not taken up any of these royal offers until I hear back from Harry and Meghan, the only true royals out there. I feel their royal pain and look forward to any offers coming my way.
I’m old. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this fact in former columns. Oh by the way, I’m old. I can’t remember if I mentioned this fact in former sentences. The old are vulnerable. Government agencies remind old people not to be tricked to responding to requests for personal information. The government tells us old folks that solicitations that promise us big payouts in exchange for personal information should be ignored. We are reminded that there is no such thing as a free lunch.
I didn’t fall for the free lunch, but gave out all personal information for the promise of a free dinner. I was directed to show up at Tommy Bahamas in Laguna Beach. I got all duded up with a new Jimmy Buffet parrot shirt that had a voice-activated button that when pushed squawked, “Polly wants a handout.”
Wow, I was surprised when I showed up for my dinner reservation. The restaurant was closed. Oh no, was I tricked out of important sensitive information in exchange for a free dinner? Could it be? No, it couldn’t be true. I had held out for dinner over the free lunch offer. I turned in circles to get my bearings. A light went off. Suddenly, pedestrians of all ages were crossing the street in all directions at once. Some were jay walking and not named Jay. Everyone was scrambling pell mell. I realized right there and then that others had been tricked by the free dinner offer. They were Laguna’s 60.3% who had answered the census survey. They were all in a hurry to find another free dinner. I refused to jump into the fray because old people can’t jump. Instead I phoned it in.
“Hello? Harry and Meghan guess who’s coming for dinner? Here’s my personal information for your security purposes. I’m in desperate need of a handout and I hear you support soup kitchens. Do crackers come with it? Polly wants to know.
Crantz tells the Indy that he is old. Crantz tells the Indy that he is old. Crantz tells the Indy that he is old. Polly says “Shut up, old man.”
