Opinion: Pet Peeves

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I Declare Not

By Mark Crantz

I read in the Indy that some residents have declared intentions to run for city council. I declare not to run. At my age running is out. Walking is about all I can manage. But nobody is going to vote for me if I announce, “Good citizens of Laguna I intend to walk for office. I promise some locomotion for the term. Together, we will get there when we get there.” Forget it. I don’t stand a chance of winning. The politically correct have to run to get elected.

Running for office sounds good. A person running is a person eager to get somewhere. These people are full of purpose. Strollers, lollygaggers, and meanderers are not folks the electorate can get behind because their pace is so slow, you find yourselves always in front of them. “Hey, step it up, I need to get behind you. You’re running for office, not me. Get ahead of me. Show me the way.”

Running for office requires having a platform.  Platforms show voters where you’ll stand on certain issues. A platform previews how you’ll act in office. For instance, Laguna candidates have proclaimed that they want less traffic, a balanced budget and a quicker design review process. These are serious answers to serious problems. Whereas, when I think of having a platform, I think platform shoes. “Good citizens of Laguna, look and see how much taller I am than you. I look forward to looking down my nose at you, while I putz around in changing things to my royal liking.”

“Hear ye, hear ye… first on my agenda will be the elimination of parking spaces. I promise to make it difficult for tourists. Under my royal eye, tourists will never be able to dump their cars and get a chance to desecrate our lovely beaches. A special phone app will be developed always to show that there are no spaces available. Another app called “Closed Table” will stop tourists from making breakfast, lunch and dinner reservations.  All seekers of fun and sun will be rerouted to Barstow.

Second on my agenda will be the elimination of Laguna’s one and only roundabout. I intend to straighten it out to guarantee that tourists make a hasty exit to Barstow.  The roundabout’s landscaping will be saved and recycled to Scottsdale, Arizona where it will fit right in.

Third on my agenda will be an item accomplished in my second term. What’s the rush?  We will get to it when we get to it…the elimination of the Village Entrance. My plans are to hire multiple consultants to show us plans on how the entrance looked before the entrance.

Crantz tells the Indy that all council meetings will be in closed session where he’ll eat cake.

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