Ad Hoc Cops
By Mark Crantz
Pull over CSI, Law and Order, Chicago PD. There’s a new cop reality show in town. Laguna will recruit residents to serve on a Task Force that will advise Laguna police on hiring, training and evaluating officers.
We need five residents. I nominate Peter Blake, Michael Ray, Ann Christoph, MJ Abraham, and the fifth resident will be…who? I can’t think of one. Perhaps readers can help me out.
Let’s look at my slate. Blake and Ray represent Liberate Laguna. I would expect them to want to tear down the old Digester and build a new police station. This relocation will put them at the Village Entrance, a better location for a Beachland security post. Day trippers will be screened coming down SR-133. “Who goes there? Out of the car. Throw away all sun block lotions larger than 3 oz.”
Christoph and Abraham will counter by moving the police department to the Digester building, a perfect setting to reminisce and share old cop and robber stories. The current police station will be retrofitted to display old police records taken from the Digester building in a museum highlighting past law enforcement.
So far the ad hoc citizens appear split. The task force is deadlocked. We need a fifth resident to move things forward. I looked at high and low tide for a resident to bring both sides together. Then it hit me. The perfect person was right under my nose. Me. It’s time I step up to community service and give back. “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more; Or close up the wall of our day tripper deadbeats! In peace there’s nothing so becomes me as modest stillness and humility; But when the blast of war blows in our ears, then I’ll imitate the action of the kitty cat.”
Take comfort good residents of Laguna that I’m the right cat for the job. In high school, I was a member of the debate club. I was voted the student most likely to succeed because I never let the other side get a word in. I will talk and talk and talk until suspects beg to be arrested and put into solitary confinement just to get away from me. Also, I’ve been watching old reruns of “The Andy Griffith Show.” Barney Fife is awesome. He’s my role model.
Crantz tells the Indy that Aunt Bee’s meth lab will be shut down right after my task force appointment.
