Opinion: Pet Peeves


Life Coach-Lesson 3

By Mark Crantz

I’m a self-anointed life coach and I’m here to help readers through this coronavirus. Why am I qualified to give advice? Because I have nothing else to do and I don’t like board games to pass the time. Many of you have been told to go home from work and school. Suddenly, you find yourself retired. I’m sure the first 24 hours was fun. “Yippee, I didn’t have to wait to turn 65.” Or if you’re a public employee…
“Yippee I didn’t have to wait to turn 25.” Now you’re bored and aren’t sure what to do with yourself.  Well, I’m your man. Here’s some helpful advice.

Each morning wake up. Good, you’re still here among the living. Rise and check your temperature. If there is a 1 before 98.6 don’t worry about the rest of the day. For all others breathe in and out. If you don’t hear a rattling noise or a whistling teakettle you’re fit enough to worry about the rest of the day. You’ve passed your self-serve coronavirus test. You can expect to receive this afternoon a Medicare notice denying coverage because you are not an approved PPO/Medicare doctor. Don’t fight it. Don’t rock the system. Just send money to your normal PPO physician. He’ll pretend to be glad to hear from you and advise you to continue the self check-ups and MoneyGrams every day until your bank account closes down or you do. Remember, it’s good to have a support team six miles behind you.

Next up. Check your food supplies. You need food to keep your strength up.  By this far into the pandemic, you’ll notice that your pantry is full of unfamiliar items. Your mind isn’t playing tricks on you. You bought the stuff yesterday. You feel disoriented from eating foods unfamiliar to you.  Your body is having an allergic reaction to these new healthy foods and misses your usual fare, Cheetos, Doritos, Pepperidge Goldfish (Extra Cheesy), Cool Whip, Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, and Cheez Whiz. These old-time favorites are everybody’s old-time favorites.  Your neighbors have hoarded them.  It’s not your fault.  Don’t despair.  Help is here.

After your morning cup of radishes, make plans to raid your neighbor’s pantry for the good stuff. They deserve the break-in for hoarding your happiness. I know you feel woozy from the lack of gluten, preservatives and food coloring, but suck it up soldier, by tonight you’ll have the munchies party of all time.  Your happiness will soon be returned to you.

Get some exercise in the afternoon.  I know you can’t go to the local gym, cycling center and yoga studio.  You’ll have to make do. Instead, go to your computer and make an avatar that looks like you.  Put the avatar in workout clothes from Lululemon. Now put your avatar through the workout paces; a 100 crunches, 200 push-ups, a 26.2 marathon, a two-mile swim, and finish up with a 50-mile bike ride. Good job. Now you can cool off. Take time to look your avatar over. The exercise did it good. You can now Photoshop those body parts to match the great exercising experience. Wow, you really look buff.

Now you’re physically ready to raid your neighbor’s hoard and get your good food stuff back. “What, did you say… you’re afraid?” Don’t worry. You’re just light-headed from the workout. Send your avatar in your place. Be a man about it. Ring the neighbor’s doorbell and say, “hello neighbor. I’ll gladly give you this iMac for a bag of Cheetos today.”

Crantz tells the Indy that readers are hoarding his advice.  That’s fine by him.  He’ll keep his iMac.   

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