Opinion: Pet Peeves

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Clear the Air

By Mark Crantz

Oh no. I read in the local news that two figurative sculptures from the temporary art installation Waiting for Climate Change have gone missing from their display spots at city hall. My first thought was why couldn’t Trump show the same class and leave like these inanimate objects. Life should imitate art and have Trump join this missing pair, who appear to have the God-given sense to get out of politics.

I’m hopeful Trump will flee with these two.  Both are between 8 to 10 feet in height.  One figure depicts a bald man wearing a pink bathrobe and the other is a man in a grey suit wearing a rubber duck flotation tube. Both were not wearing masks. These types sound like the sycophants Trump likes having around. Running away with them would be a nice change in the climate for the rest of us. Clear the air, so to speak. 

I checked the Farmer’s Almanac and it says we are in for a harsh winter. There will be two presidents, two senates, two houses and one press secretary stuck up a pear tree trying to explain it all. The Washington storm will be an epic one rolling from sea to shining sea. Citizens are advised to stay indoors and disconnect from all social media for protection of your common sense. Of course, the almanac farmers have offered to change their weather forecast for milder weather, if Washington agrees to bigger farm subsidies and a free farmers market in China, to be held every Saturday, between 8 a.m. and 12 p.m.

Officials have considered issuing an Amber Alert for the missing figures. However, there’s disagreement in city hall on using the actual physical descriptions of the trio while still being politically correct. Trump’s flaming orange crossover could offend beauty salon experts, who have had hair-raising experiences trying to get federal help during the pandemic. The bald man wearing a pink bathrobe sounds like a description of Rudy, who has been shown looking for his mask in an area where no thinking ever occurs. As to the third figure dressed in a grey suit wearing a rubber duck flotation device…well…that describes the rest of us.  All dressed up and afraid of drowning in the rhetoric. Zoom, zooming each other and never knowing what the other is wearing below the computer monitor screen.

Oh well. It’s Thanksgiving time. Let’s just be thankful. As my grandmother told me, “It always could be worse. There could be two of you.” Remember to tell loved ones what you’re thankful for. I told my family that I was grateful to be with them and not be with them. I got turkey and mashed sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top that I didn’t have to pass around to the grandchildren because they were on Zoom. Haha doomed by Zoom. The technology saved me from sharing during a holiday that doesn’t recognize curmudgeons with disgraceful social behavior like mine. 

I felt like myself this year. At the end of our zoomed turkey day, I was told by loved ones to get lost. But don’t be sad for me readers. I’ll be joining Trump, Rudy and the grey-suited rest of us lost in a sea of climate change. I’ll be sure to make the most of my time in the lifeboat. “Hey, everybody. I know a game to pass the time. Who wants to walk the plank first?”

Crantz tells the Indy that he’s looking forward to Christmas when he won’t be able to hand out presents to the grandchildren. Haha. Doomed by Zoom, again.


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