Opinion: Pet Peeves

’Tis the Season

By Mark Crantz

’Tis the season to be in the highest risk group. Why? Because you’ll find in your stocking… the “first in line” invitation for the vaccine. If you’re young and healthy expect a promissory note with the suggestion to hold your breath until spring. Trump, who was on both the naughty and nice lists depending on Secret Santa’s political affiliation, didn’t wait around. He gave himself bleach. He was ecstatic and acted surprised. “Ahh, bleach. The laundry maiden must be around somewhere.”

Don’t despair young, healthy people, your turn will come. There are advantages to allowing the old folks to go first. Old people are good guinea pigs. Aging has made them more trusting, even gullible. MEDICARE announced, “Hello, old people. Take this shot. It’s minus 90 degrees. That’s 10 degrees warmer than your current body temperature. Leave your seven sweaters at home. Free marijuana lollipops after the shot.”

The young and healthy are watching closely what side affects occur with the senior group. So far, the side effects look discouraging. Vaccinated seniors are experiencing weight loss, increasing muscle strength, improved IQ and memory functions and tightening of the skin.  Researchers believe they may have discovered the fountain of youth by accident. Early testing shows seniors regressing to the chronological age of 32. This is bad news for the young and healthy who will experience a similar age drop to 10 when they take the shot. A spokesman for the American Association for Wanna-Be Retires (AAWBR) said, “Young, healthy people do not want to become pre-teens again. Living at home with timeouts and curfews.” One agitated adult added, “I won’t take the shot. I’d rather take my chances with COVID-19, than be under the thumb of my parents. Once was enough.”

The Psychiatric Institute of Old Parts Warehousing discloses a troubling increase in inpatient admissions and discharges with seniors unable to make rational decisions to take the shot or to skip the shot and learn to live with their regrets, rather than experience a do-over. One doctor believes the screening needs to be adjusted. The first senior question asks, “Who is president of the United States? Patients who answer that Trump is president to Democratic doctors are being admitted as insane and a person who could do harm to themselves or others. Other patients, who answer Biden is president to Republican doctors are being admitted as insane, instead. Second opinions when they occur are discharging old people along medical partisan lines.

It’s important to get everybody on board to take the vaccine. One emeritus researcher explained, “I was one of the first senior medical professionals to take the vaccine. I’m not thrilled with the side effect of going through menopause again, but it’s better than getting COVID-19.” Her soon to be ex-husband disagreed. “I can’t go through menopause again. Men aren’t as strong as women. I’ve decided to not get the shot. My wife is furious and has filed abandonment charges against me. To counter her charges, I am pleading insanity and trying to get voluntarily committed. I think I’ve passed the initial screening question of who is president?  I said Bernie Sanders because he told me to.”

Crantz tells the Indy that he’s on board with the shot, so long as he can exchange the marijuana lollipop for a beer, instead.