Opinion: Pet Peeves


Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

By Mark Crantz

For those readers, who follow Pet Peeves, you know I have retired to a monastery and I have taken the vow of silence.  For readers, who do not follow Pet Peeves, consider yourselves blessed and read no further.

I’ve received an urgent email from Indy’s editor, Daniel Langhorne, for me to come back haste. He has good news, but needs to tell me in person. So I stop what I’m doing, which is nothing, and begin the long trek from the monastery back to the Indy.  The monastery eschews modern carbon-spewing vehicles, so I must go green. I’ve hired an Uber ass to get me back. Hee-Haw.

Whew. That’s a long journey. I’m met by the Pet Peeves Fan Club, who I’ve emailed about my arrival. The fan club is two readers big. They happen to be conjoined twins, Bill #1 and Bill #2. There’s animosity in the fan club.  Bill #1 likes the column.  Bill #2 hates the column. Bill #2 whines, “I hate this column and I didn’t want to pick you up.  Bill #1 made me.” I think, here we go again.  Bill #2 continues ranting, “This fan club is so stupid.  Bill #1 is dyslexic. How can he like the column, if he can’t read it?”  I reply, “That’s a good question Bill #2, but nevertheless, I’m glad the both of you are here to pick me up.”  Bill #2 softens, “Sure, I guess.”

It’s a herky-jerky ride to the Indy offices with Bill #1 steering and Bill #2 braking. “Daniel I’m home. What’s the good news?” Daniel throws his arms wide for a welcome hug. Daniel tells me that both of us have won Orange County Press Club awards in the ‘Excellence for Journalism’ contest. He says, “You won third place in the humor category and I won second place in the Public Affairs category.  Great news, isn’t it?” I answer, “That is good news.  I’m happy for both of us.  Ahh, is there any cash with these awards?” Daniel laughs.  “Cash.  What cash? This is the newspaper business. You only get a piece of paper. You’ll then have to go and pay for a frame to be able to hang it on your wall.” Geez,  I wonder, why is sunshine always followed by acid rain?

Now, I have to go to the store to get a frame. I email my wife that I’m coming back from the monastery with a press club award. I write, prepare the “I’m the greatest-look at me wall’ for the new award. My wife emails back. Stop. Do not buy frame. Stop.  Your “I’m the greatest-look at me wall” is gone. Stop. Your wall is now dedicated to the greatest of all-Muhammad Ali. He dances like a butterfly and stings like a bee. Stop. You don’t. You dance like Elaine on Seinfeld and you sting like a bladder infection. Stop. Stay away. I’m now romantically linked with Bill #2.  Go back to the monastery. Don’t stop.

Friar Crantz tells the Indy that the“Winner Winner Chicken Dinner” expression originated in Las Vegas. A casino chicken dinner cost $2, the same amount as, a standard Las Vegas bet. So, if you won a bet, you won a chicken dinner. So, ‘Bon appetit Daniel.     

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