Opinion: Pet Peeves

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Life Coach-Lesson 8

By Mark Crantz

If your home is like mine, you are experiencing severe cabin fever. As you’re self- anointed life coach, this condition is to be expected. All of us are climbing the walls.  This morning my wife came up with a good solution for cabin fever.  She said to me, “It’s been long enough. You have too big of a personality to keep cooped up. I’ve been blessed to hear the same jokes over and over. It’s time to go and share your observations with others less blessed than me.   

My wife got me a job. I’m now a Walmart Greeter. My wife said it best. “You’re now on the frontline. Only you can cheer up America. Let’s practice, say after me, Welcome to Walmart. I see you’re quite the dancer in place. Let me take the lead. Toilet paper—Aisle 6.”

My wife was right. I needed to get out of the house. I enjoy helping others. Look, here come some cute children through the doors.  “Achoo, Achoo, Achoo.” Hand wipe. Hand wipe. Hand wipe. “Hi guys. High fives all around.”

Being a greeter comes with a lot of responsibility. I intend to be a good soldier right behind the enormous behind of my Commander-in-Chief. I feel honored to bask in his orange aura. I hope to emulate him. During the crisis, I now wake up and go directly to my new tanning bed.  I wear the same brand of goggles to protect my vision for America.  Now I sport his same fierce raccoon look that says, “Get in line or get rabies.” 

I’m taking a big chance being on the front lines at my advanced age. But I think it will be an honor to go out in a hail of virus.  The other day one of my grandchildren called to tell me how proud he was of my Greeter’s position. The six year old said, “I heard you’re a greeter. I’m in the will, right?”

I love that kid to death and he loves me to death. I’m now on my lunch break. I’m keeping to the presidential script and getting all my meals through fast food pick up windows. Monday was Taco Bell. Tuesday was McDonald’s. Wednesday was Burger King. Thursday was KFC. And Friday was stent day at the drive through medical clinic.  Except for this emergency outpatient surgery, the weight gain and gout, I’m happy to report I’m coronavirus free.

It’s another week and I’m back at the frontline. “Achoo”. “Welcome to Walmart” Then there’s the two step stutter in place. And once again, I take the lead for America to aisle six. “You’re quite light on your feet…”

Crantz tells the Indy that he had one bad incident. The Target dog with the red bull’s eye tried to sneak in, as a service dog. Crantz barked him out. Crantz is the only Walmart associate ever picked as the Employee of the Month in the first month.

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