Opinion: Pet Peeves

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Life Coach-Lesson 9

By Mark Crantz

I feel a tremendous responsibility to hold it together, as your self-anointed life coach.  I’m trying to set a good example for dealing with our in-shelter situation. But to be candid, I’m worried that when the mandatory lockdown is lifted there will be readers, like my wife, who will want revenge by making me eat my words. Be careful what you wish for.  You might want to keep the original columns because these pearls of wisdom will burn nicely when the utilities shut off and you need to stay warm. Think ahead readers.  Revenge is best served hot while toasting s’mores. “Bull####,” my wife screams. “Eat your words cold. No more. No’smores.” Gulp.

Solitary confinement is scary.  You’ll be the first to admit you are not good company.  Enough time alone has convinced you that you are truly boring.  The longer you are alone the more you loathe yourself.  Or, maybe that’s just me.  For those readers who think they’re great, they still need to let others know their greatness.  So, if you’re trying to be less boring or trying to shout out greatness, I recommend spending more time developing your avatar. 

You may not be able to go out in the physical world anymore. Your new life is the virtual world. Sure it bytes, but you want to look your avatar best. Buy new avatar clothes.  Get your avatar’s hair done. Sign your avatar onto dating service websites. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how many likes you get. Have your avatar meet other avatars over coffee. If it goes well and you feel the electronic hum, then make a date for lunch. Be a good listener. Whatever nonsense you hear, pretend you want to hear more.  Your avatar date must feel like the most important ones and zeros in the cloud. Trust me, they’ll talk their way into saying yes for dinner. The dinner date is third base when electricity is in the air and the 5G is about to kick in. Pump up your background. You developed software with Bill Gates. Steve Jobs worked for you at Pixar. Woody from Toy Story is your best friend. No lie is too big enough to get her to your iPad.

Wow, you did it. You’re on your way to your iPad. You can’t believe your good luck when it dawns on you that you can’t do what you want to do when you get your date there. Panic sets in. Your avatar freezes. Your avatar date freezes. You’re stuck on the monitor. A message pops up. Sorry, the Internet is down. Call Cox cable for service.

Crantz tells the Indy that eating my words is an acquired taste. Yummy.           

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