This is me reporting live from the Michigan Dunes. I like saying live like a TV reporter. Makes me feel like I’m where the action is. You’ll notice in my picture, I’m holding up a copy of the Indy. Well, I was until a drive by snatching took it away from me. It could have been worse, “This is me reporting dead from the Michigan Dunes.”
It’s dangerous outside of Laguna. I had to drive back to the Midwest to see my grandchildren. They were starting to ask my daughters why they didn’t have a grandfather like the other kids? I told my daughters to inform them that I was busy doing “Doctors Without Borders” and saving less fortunate children from all over the world. My daughters said, “You’re not a doctor. We refuse to lie to the children.” I countered. Okay. “Try I’m busy doing ‘Veterinarians Without Border Collies’.” My daughters heard enough and had the last word. If I didn’t get back and visit, then the grandchildren were going to cut me out of their wills. So here I am without a copy of the Indy to show you and hoping the grandchildren honor and pay for my assisted living facility some day.
Drive by snatching is far less devastating than drive by shootings. Dallas, Chicago, and now St. Joseph, Mich., have reported recent shootings. In Chicago alone, deaths by shootings are equal to last year’s tally and it’s only July. When is this madness going to end? It appears no time soon. And I have to drive back. Don’t worry I have a plan.
I’m going to repaint my car white with red crosses on the doors. War zones all over the world know to let these vehicles pass without harm because they are tending to the wounded. In my case, that would be the old, infirmed and feeble. This precaution should pass mustard gas from both sides. Also, I intend to look for bumper stickers. I’ll stay away from the NRA ones and “My Son Beat Up Your Honor Student” stickers. I don’t want to be near potential road rage.
Also, I’ll blend into my surroundings. I plan to dress up and travel as a mile marker. Mile markers are inconspicuous. There’s one, well, every mile. I had never noticed them before my wife pointed them out and explained that they mark every mile to the state border. Say you’re crossing from Colorado into Nebraska. The first mile marker says 346 miles to the state border. The next one says 345, then 344, 343, 342. By mile marker 326 you never want to look any more. That’s where I dropped off my wife for telling me. I suspect most people try to not look either. That’s why it’s a good reason to dress up as one. However, I’m still working out why a mile marker would be driving a car. This might create the world’s biggest gaper’s block and expose me to further danger.
Forget mile marker camouflage. I’ll escape today’s brutal reality and travel by Pokemon Go. I’ll create an avatar that’s tall, dark and handsome. Wait. I need to make it look different than me. Okay then. Let’s use orange hair, orange skin, unnaturally white teeth, sans mouth filter. It will shoot Pokemon barbs at everyone. It can build a wall. It can get elected president. “Make America Great Again.” But, “Make America Safe Again” is anybody’s guess.
Crantz tells the Indy he went back to pick up his wife at mile marker 326. She wasn’t there. Crantz believes she’s mad and camouflaged as a Falling Rocks sign. Don’t look up. Proceed with caution. Call authorities.