Pet Peeves

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Mirror Mirror


Mark D. Crantz
Mark D. Crantz

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the most enterprising school candidate of all? “Who’s asking?” It’s me, Crantz. I write the Pet Peeves column. “Oh, such dreck. But that’s a good thing because you never crack me up.” So, you’ll help me? The mirror hesitates. “Give me a moment to reflect. You’re ugly, too.”

The mirror asks, “Why do you care about the candidates? You don’t even have a dog in the race. Your kids are grown and have kids of their own, who are now being taught to fund raise for public schools, whose tax dollars never go far enough.” Yes. My grandchildren are good fundraisers. I hope they grow up to be carnival shills or work at the Federal Reserve. The mirror shimmers. “Hopefully, they’ll join the carnival, the other prospect requires Clown College.”

The mirror proclaims, “The answer to who’s the most enterprising one is all around you.” It is? I don’t see who’s the best. Are you trying to be one of those fun house mirrors that distort reality? “Don’t insult me. I reflect back only what is there to see without me. Let’s look at each one.”

“Howard Hills is a very enterprising one. He was first to proclaim his intentions to run. Hills is a constitutional lawyer and author. He was raised in Laguna Beach and was class president of Laguna Beach High School back in the ‘60.” I interrupt. Was that the 1860s and what side was he on?” The mirror shakes. “Crantz, were you the child left behind? It was the 1960s and the side he was on was the only one I can see, the one in front of my reflective glass.” Oh, okay.

The mirror refortifies with a dose of Windex. “Peggy Wolff is the next enterprising one. She is a first time contender with 19 years experience as an active volunteer and teacher. Her resume speaks for itself.” I interrupt again. Her resume speaks? Is it Siri? Or Watson? I don’t like him as much as Siri. Who do you like? The mirror shakes and downs another shot of Windex.

“The final candidate is Jan Vickers. She is a 26 year incumbent with much experience. Vickers knows the territory and would make a fine enterprising one. There would be no learning curve with her election.” I interrupt again. But does she support grading curves? The mirror darkens. “Were you home schooled, Crantz?”

My neighbor home schooled me. He was Horace Mann, the greatest educator of all times. But he’s not running. So, mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the most enterprising one of all? The mirror shines. “The signs are all around you. Look in all the Laguna Beach yards. You’ll see signs for Hills, Wolff and Vickers, one and all. There’s your answer.” I interrupt. I still don’t see. The mirror glistens. “The most enterprising one is the printer who made all the signs. And this ends the lesson dear child left behind.”


Crantz tells the Indy he’s tired of the mirror and put a blanket over it. He could never see his reflection anyway. He’s a little worried and it keeps him up at nights.


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