Pet Peeves

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Poler Opposite

By Mark Crantz
By Mark Crantz

You can take the boy out of the city, but you can’t take the city out of the boy. That’s what I was thinking when I read the Indy article, “Tech Driven Companies Open Shop.” A new Laguna company, Poler Outdoor Stuff, uses digital media to reach 500,000 campfire enthusiasts and supplies them with 1 million marshmallows, 1 million graham crackers, 1 million Hershey bars and one lean sapling stick that 500,000 campfire enthusiasts fight over on YouTube. Kumbaya, kumba-yuck. No s’mores for this city boy. I’m poler opposite. I’d rather stay home and watch cat videos.

Carl Perkins, a country singer, made famous the line, “You can take the boy out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the boy.” Music critics believe he was singing about his brother Marlin Perkins of “Wild Kingdom” TV fame. Tragically before GPS, a city bus lost in the countryside killed Marlin Perkins. Carl Perkins, who was driving the bus, advised authorities that he hadn’t seen Marlin in years and just ran into his brother by accident. Bus riders could not corroborate Carl’s explanation because they were unavailable as witnesses having been swallowed by a large anaconda snake, that was chasing Marlin at the time. The bus, as evidence, was gulped, as well. The case remains open and is considered one of the top 10 campfire stories of all times. Kumbaya, kumba-yuck. I still prefer staying in and watching cat videos.

Poler Outdoor Stuff sells quirky camping gear to surfers, skaters and snowboarders. I am not any of these types. I have not gone into this new store, but it sounds like there isn’t anything of interest to me. I don’t blame Poler for not having merchandise I would like. Most stores don’t. I don’t like t-shirts, written on pillows, candles, lotions, perfumes, smoothies, clothing or home furnishings. If I had my way, I would shut down park-lets and many Laguna stores in favor of erected watch-lets dedicated to Imax cat movies. The 3D antics of flying cats would be irresistible. The watch-lets would provide exclusive merchandise dedicated to the Hello Kitty line. Trust me, this would increase tourists by a gazillion and position Laguna as the world’s number one cat lover’s destination.

To get the yarn ball rolling, I am announcing today, my new Laguna store called Poler Opposite. Merchandise is dedicated to sedentary house cats and their owners. It will be a hip cat of a place that specializes in micro brewing catnip. This delectable beverage is available to cats and owners to heighten a sedentary lifestyle. The beverage’s affect will heighten sleepiness and drooling in owner and pet alike.

Residents need not be concerned with the plant’s drug affect on children. Catnip is only sold to adults 18 years old or to those demonstrating their sixth feline life of the nine lives available. The flagship store is located a mandatory 500 feet from all area schools. Meow. That’s cat talk for cheers.


Crantz shared his new catnip with Indy staff. He apologizes to readers that the Indy was delivered a day late on Saturday. Indy staff said, “Crantz’ catnip is purr-fect.”





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