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Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign

By Mark D. Crantz
By Mark D. Crantz

The school board race is heating up. The League of Women Voters hosted a recent candidate debate. The ground rules were simple. No men allowed. Just kidding. Men could be seen, but not heard from. Again, I’m kidding. Caitlyn Jenner moderated the event. Sorry, I can’t help myself. I’ll get serious. It sounded like a nice event. So, where was my invitation? Let me guess. Could it have been lost 20,000 leagues under the sea?

One of the topics brought up was school cyber security. Each candidate had two minutes to address the issue. The first candidate held up a placard that read, “Firewall,” and refused to talk for the entire allotted time. The second and third candidates screamed foul to the moderator. They believed not answering wasn’t proof that the first candidate was best at cyber security.

“We can crack the firewall. Give each of us a chance. Add two more minutes to the allotted time. You’ll see.” The moderator hesitantly agreed.

The second candidate went first. Passwords started flying. The name of the candidate’s dog, the candidate’s birthdate, the candidate’s address, the candidates children’s names, the candidate’s alma mater, the candidate’s favorite sport’s team. Nothing worked. The buzzer sounded.

The third candidate smiled. “Now my turn.” Passwords flew again. The dog’s name, the birthdate, the address, the children’s names, the alma mater, the favorite sport’s teams, but just in reverse. The firewall held firm. The buzzer sounded.   The forum erupted in jeers. “There isn’t a school system behind the firewall. Prove it. Give us the password. The public demands transparency.”

The first candidate agreed. The password was typed in V-l-a-d-i-m-i-r P-u-t-i-n. The school computer system opened to reveal 30,000 new school lunch menu emails. The menu listed Russian vodka shots, borscht and Caspian caviar. The forum was silenced. Only the click of keys could be heard as the audience ordered the Russian delicacies on line.

Now just weeks away from election night, there are signs, signs, everywhere a sign. There are signs for Hills, signs for Wolff and signs for Vickers. But a dark horse has been popping up in more and more yards. It’s a come from behind upset in the making. The original three candidates never saw it. It may be too late.

The new candidate is ADT. And ADT appears knowledgeable about security. ADT has been providing security to homes, businesses and schools for many years. According to the website, ADT provides monitoring services in 35 countries. The candidate also provides fire protection. And in Laguna that’s important and could spell the difference in this year’s school board race. The city’s goat-herd has thrown support to ADT. The firefighters have, as well.

It’s now a four-way horse race for two eligible spots. The polls say its dead even among Hills, Wolff, Vickers and ADT. Several candidates have joined together to contest the goats’ birth certificates and their eligibility to vote in the upcoming election. However, odds makers believe the goats can-do spirit will carry the day for ADT. The remaining spot is anybody’s guess.

Be sure to vote. It matters.


Crantz wishes all the candidates the best of luck.        



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