Pet Peeves


Year Ended

By Mark Crantz
By Mark Crantz

I decided to do group therapy. There was me and a roomful of therapists. The first session went like this.   “Ah-huh, Ah-huh, Ah-huh, Ah-huh, Ah-huh. Then, the next therapist,   “Umm. Oh. Umm. Oh. Umm. Oh. Umm. Oh.” Then, the next therapist,   “Ah. OK. Ah. OK. Ah. OK. Ah. OK. Then together, see you next week.” I look forward to next week.

I’ve sought help since my return from the Midwest this summer. I think I may be suffering from a psychotic break. Upon my return, I was looking forward to eating my first meal in Laguna’s new parklet. How was I to know I was eating out in some guy’s car? I mean, before I left last spring there was a parklet. I went away, came back and got arrested for car vandalism. Don’t worry readers. The charges probably will be dismissed based on pictures I took before my arrest. My pictures show clearly that others had eaten inside the car before my reservation. No one can fault me for thinking the car just hadn’t been bussed.

I’m out on bail. To clear away the prison blues, I decided to go for a bike ride on Coast Highway. I was arrested again for using car lanes as a personal bicycle path. It clearly was an honest mistake. Before I left to go to the Midwest last spring, I thought I read on a police electronic sign, “Give Riders 3 feet.” The arresting officer didn’t remember this sign and synched the handcuffs tighter for what he believed was my resisting arrest.

I’m out on bail, again. I felt a bit overwhelmed by my new legal troubles. So, I took a walk to the tidal pools to get away from it all. I was surprised to see there were no mussels, starfish, or other life forms. I believe there was a lot of stuff in there last spring. The arresting officer asked my what I’d done to all the sea life?

I’m not going to get out on bail again. My lawyer says destruction of property is one thing. But these new charges are considered kidnapping. It’s a capital crime. The authorities are seeking the maximum penalty. They’re going to hang me high from the village entrance.

I’m scared witless. My therapists have come to visit me in maximum security. Their support has been most helpful. They bring me news from the outside. The city council can’t agree on the village entrance or the amount of parking needed for visitors to witness my hanging. It looks like it might be a long time before they find a resolution. Good news.

However, the bad news is there are thousands of residents who want to be the hangman. My therapists assure me that they are not among them for purposes of their billing, of course. And so, the year ended. Looking forward to a better and happy next year to all.


The Indy has learned that Crantz faces additional charges. He is being accused of digging up underground wires on 133 and putting them back on telephone poles, so birds have somewhere to sit.





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