Pet Peeves

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Drone On

By Mark Crantz
By Mark Crantz

There’s been big news outside of Laguna. China stole a US submersible drone. And Pizza Hut delivered the first drone pizza in Britain. The upshot? Instead of finding Dory, her pizza was delivered to the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China. And Queen Mum got her pizza and then proceeded to knight the drone. Trump tweeted that both pizzas were meant for Trump Tower in Taiwan. Dory, who doesn’t tweet, couldn’t be reached for comment. Queen Mum refused to talk with her mouth full of pizza. Trump tweeted back to both to keep their stupid drones.

Yes, this is real news, readers. I’ll be sure to keep you posted when it’s fake news. Beware Lagunans, these faraway events aren’t so far away. I see drones everywhere. And more disturbing, the drones see me everywhere, too. Just the other day I was reading up on my poop deck. Yes, you read that right. I wasn’t sitting on a porch, deck or patio. I have the bird poop to drive this distinction home. My grandkids love the poop deck not for the ocean views, but because they can say poop over and over again without getting in trouble with their parents. I haven’t fared as well. The parents drone on about my inappropriate nomenclature. Trump it, I say. Keep your stupid drone ons.

So far this column has been 100% real news. And there’s more to report. The other day I was sitting up on the poop deck reading a library book. Minding my own business, when I heard a whirling noise. I looked up to see a drone hovering a few feet above me. I yelled “Shoo fly don’t bother me.” That got no reaction. I pantomimed holding a rifle and taking aim. That got evasive action. The drone went higher to get out of range. I lost my place in my library book and tried to find where I was. That made me mad. The drone started to go up and down in short bursts. It was laughing at me. The war was on. Man the battle stations. I got the garden hose. The drone took off. This is still real news, readers.

I felt empowered. It was short lived. The drone was back the next day. The garden hose was turned on and ready. As I was engaging the nozzle to blast the drone to smithereens, I got hit with water balloons from three other drones approaching from the south. It was a brilliantly executed diversion. The drones formed up in a “V” for victory formation and took off into the wild blue yonder. I was dripping with humiliation. So to keep my pride intact, this is fake news.

It hasn’t been the same since this encounter of the third kind. I’ve been jumpy and I have trouble concentrating. My library books are hard to finish on time. I’m getting more and more late notices and fees. I’m on edge and always on the lookout. This is no way to live and the water department agrees. I think I got a water notice to cease and desist the water cannons mounted on the poop deck. But I can’t be sure. All the graphs look like Mandarin to me, so I plan to continue spraying the skies in anticipation of the next drone attack. Drone on Laguna.


Crantz tells the Indy that the library has sent book damage fees caused from high altitude bird bombings that Crantz can’t defend against with the current garden hose pressure.

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