Reader’s Digester
Readers always ask me, “Where do you get your story ideas?” I used to say the bathtub, where I’m most relaxed. But I can’t say that any more. I took out the bathtub, the shower and all the plumbing to meet Laguna’s strict water usage. Unfortunately, I still got a water department notice that said I’m over budget. How’s that possible? Also, the water department blames my stories now for stinking up the Laguna Terrace Mobile Home Park. One nose-holding resident, Michele McCormick never said until I wrote she said, “Finally, we have our answer. Crantz stinks. Makes a lot of sense. It always smells worse when his column runs. He’s our stinking pet peeve.”
While my lawyer tries to clean up my mess, I wanted to add my misimpressions to the Indy article, “Village Entrance Design Moves Ahead.” A Verizon employee who looks across the intersection of Broadway and Forest said, “I’ve been looking for three years now at the chain link fence at this intersection and wish the city would finally build the village entrance.” Everybody else respond, “We wish we could get out of 100% Verizon contract for half the price.” Unfortunately, the Verizon employee’s call attempts were dropped to City Hall. The chain link fence is still there. The Christmas tree lot is still there. The one good piece of news is trees are half-off with 100% fallen needle coverage. Here’s to your first Charlie Brown Christmas.
The village entrance plan has been going on for more years than many can remember. We almost have a foot in the entrance. Everybody is giddy with excitement. Plans have been approved. One gazillion dollars have been spent to tie artsy Laguna Beach to merchant Laguna Beach. The architect’s plans look promising. A working simulation shows tourists walking from the Sawdust Festival, Pageant of the Masters and the Laguna Playhouse over to downtown Laguna, with an average of $157.45 still left in their pockets to buy refrigerator magnets, smart pillows, T-shirts and other sundry items.
Everybody stand perfectly still. It looks like the village entrance is a Pageant of the Masters’ masterpiece. But then, the worse of worse happens. I find in the digester building (old sewer treatment spire) a long lost employee forgotten from 1934. He said upon discovery, “I’ve been here since the Depression. My boss said to hold down the fort until he got back. Or the #### would hit the entrance.” I didn’t know what to say to the guy, but tried, “Haven’t missed much. There’s still no village entrance. We’re still in a depression nobody admits to. But the good news is that city employees have Fridays off. “
The sanitation employee was so happy to be found that he wasn’t the least bit fazed there wasn’t a village entrance yet. He smiled and said, “I kept my #### together long enough. Fridays off, right? See you Monday.”
Crantz tells the Indy that the Reader’s Digester employee needs a bathtub pronto. Crantz can’t help without plumbing, so it will take a village.
