Pet Peeves

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By Mark D. Crantz
By Mark D. Crantz

I can vouch for the Indy’s “Study Confirms 6.3 Million Visitors.” My wife and I have had 6.3 million relatives since January. That’s how many it felt like. I’ve met relatives I didn’t even know I had. I asked one fellow crashing on our couch in March, “What side of the family are you on?” He grunted back, “The poor side. Can I borrow your pension?”

Most of our visitors found us from This surprised me. I thought DNA testing told people the percentage of nationalities that make you who you are. When I got tested I was 10% Rocky Mountain old goat, 40% Tasmanian devil and 50% North American circus clown. But now, everyone is being told that they are 1% Crantz and he’s located in Laguna Beach and here’s his telephone number. Oh how I yearn to be Kevin Beacon with six degrees of separation.

My ‘everyone else in the world’ relatives have one thing in common besides me. They all check in but seldom checkout. I was envious that Laguna’s study shows that 95% of visitors are day-trippers. They come and then they go. Mine have yet to leave. The laundry is daunting. My wife can’t keep up with it. She said to me, “Your relatives never lend a hand. They’re lazy. They must be related to you. I’ll never forgive you for telling me you were an only child.”

When you live in paradise, everyone wants to visit. I’m sure my wife and I are not the only Lagunans with a parade of people coming and going. And I’ve noticed visits are longer each time. Cousin Eddie told me, “Crantz, me and the family had so much fun last year that we decided to stay for two months instead of one. And I brought the ex-wives along, too. They didn’t remarry anybody as good as me and, well, they needed some R and R. Oh, could you give these sheets to your wife? She’s been a little crabby to me.”

I didn’t give the sheets to my wife. She was at her breaking point. Instead, I gave cousin Eddie half my pension to find somewhere else to visit. He was glad to help me out. The other relatives I paid to have another DNA test done. They were more than surprised that 2% of their ancestry was related to Donald Trump. Off they scaddled to Mar-a-Lago to be with a richer relative than me.

Confidential sources tell me that Melania went ballistic and refused to do laundry. Cousin Eddie, his wife, ex-wives and all the children were declared illegal aliens and immediately deported. President Trump then had his staff investigate to check on new testing parameters.

Now, President Trump’s back to his old self. At yesterday’s photo-op he declared, “Cousin Eddie is a great guy. One of the best guys I’ve ever met. He has immense talent. He’s been informed by that he and the rest of the relatives are 3% related to Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un of North Korea. Keep the family ballistics over there.


Crantz tells the Indy that his wife has put him in charge of the laundry. All the white linens are pink now. Crantz may be visiting cousin Eddie shortly.


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