Public Art Restoration
Paint fumes overcame me after reading the Indy’s “Public Art to Undergo Review by Experts.” I couldn’t clear my head to see how adding a layer of advising artists to city council would be helpful. First advising artist, “I suggest the city spend public funds on my sculpture.” Second advising artist, “The council would be wise to buy my sculpture.” Third advising artist, “Forget the first and second advising artists. I paint by numbers. Here’s my electronic banking account number for electronic transfer. And take my cut off ear as testament to the seriousness of my artwork.”
I’m having trouble swallowing this paint additive. Take my family as an example. My wife has wonderful taste in art, whereas, I ate paste in second grade art class. Imagine if my wife had to take my advice on what art pieces to buy. Our home would be adorned with velvet Elvis Presley paintings next to dogs playing poker must haves. Years back, I advised my wife to commission a famous Laguna artist to paint a picture of a wall safe with a hinged frame to swing back to reveal a real dogs playing poker painting behind it. My wife called the Humane Society and told them I had real dogs locked in a safe. What a mess. Lucky for me, I got a bulldog of a lawyer who straightened it out. The downside, he billed in dog years, seven times the hourly rate.
Adding advising artists would put a bathrobe on nude modeling, too. I wouldn’t want to show my stuff to a room of advising artists. First advising artists, “He’s the best you could find. He’s a cosmic joke to ideal beauty.” Second advising artist, “You’re just asking for future public graffiti, if the city puts this sculpture up. I’d help to deface this abomination myself.” Third advising artist, “I think it could work. Cut off his head and arms.”
Establishing an advising artists panel was the conclusion of a comprehensive cultural arts survey done by the Cultural Arts Planning Group, a San Diego based arts consultation firm. The firm recommended, “Adopt the best practices of using peer review panels for artist selection for public arts projects.” An anti-plein air artist who is afraid of the outdoors and must work indoors requested to change the survey language to, “Adopt the best practices of using pear review panels or fruit experts for the selection of bowls of fruit for indoor public arts projects only.”
People who feel qualified may apply to join the pool of potential advising artists. People who wish not to apply will be added to the City’s Historic Artist list and will be mandated to serve as art jurists. Volunteers and conscripted should wear comfortable clothing and report next Monday to city hall, room 34. To match the last 30 years of public work projects, the empanelled should expect to be sequestered for 30 years for 90 more selected pieces of indoor public works of bowls of fruit. Seascape and cityscape experts need not apply.
Crantz tells the Indy he has thrown his paintbrush into the selection process. His area of expertise is sea gulls sitting on pilings inside Laguna area homes.
