Pet Peeves



by Mark Crantz
by Mark Crantz

City staff recommended rejecting a CVS Pharmacy to replace Laguna Drugs. Staff cited the city’s Downtown Specific Plan that establishes development guidelines discouraging applications by national chains that fail to differentiate their product offerings and standardized visual layouts.

Unbeknownst to city staff, Siri, a computer program that works as an intelligent personal assistant and knowledge navigator was eavesdropping on the closed session discussions. Siri, a reprehensible gossip, spread the closed session discussions worldwide. It was revealed staff discussed CVS’s application by singing Petula Clarks’ song “Downtown.”

First staff person: “When you are alone, and life is making you lonely, you can always go Downtown.”

Staff chorus: “Things will be great when you’re Downtown.”

Second staff person: “Just listen to the music of the traffic of the city. Linger on the sidewalk where the traffic will likely hit you.”

Staff chorus: “Things will be great when you’re Downtown.”

Third staff person: “Don’t hang around and let your problems surround you. There are no movies. Downtown.”

Staff chorus: “Things will be great when you’re Downtown.”

Fourth staff person: “Maybe you know some big place to go to where they never close. Just listen to the rhythm of a blasting bossa nova. Mozambique. Downtown.”

Fifth staff person: “You can forget all your troubles and forget all your cares. So go Downtown where all the lights are bright. And you will find a city council kind to help and understand you. A city council that cares for you and hires consultants to provide a gentle hand.”

Staff chorus ends meeting: “Things will be great when you’re Downtown.”

CVS representatives believe their wide assortment of affordable health and convenience items are a complement, not a comparable, to the specialty offerings of nearby retailers. In addition, they believe their suggested unique visual layout for Laguna differentiates them from their other national chain stores.

A CVS representative explained, “We’ve listened to Laguna shoppers and have made changes to our pharmacy department. CVS pharmacists will no longer stand on raised platforms and lord over medicine dispensing. Instead, Lagunans will be on raised platforms looking down on pharmacists. Prescriptions will be self-filled while pharmacists provide only suggestions on contraindications. Child-proof caps will be re-engineered to free old people from having to rely on grandchildren, who always have known how to open child proof caps any way.

Siri’s release of the closed session discussions garnered an invitation to compete on “The Voice,” where the staff will sing the Eagle song, “Take It Easy.”

“Well, I’m standing on the corner in Winslow, Arizona, and such a fine sight to see. It’s a CVS, my Lord, filled with flatbed Fords, just waitin’ to be stole by me. Take it easy.”

Crantz tells the Indy that he has gone to a CVS One Minute clinic. He was not able to tell them all of his medical problems in one minute. They said “next” before he was done. So, Crantz self medicated for many minutes in the beer section instead.





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