Pet Peeves

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Tip Toeing Around

by Mark Crantz
by Mark Crantz

It took me a while to read through Indy’s “Environmentalists Push for City to Uphold Paris Accords.” I’m a closet environmentalist and don’t like to the have a coal powered light shined on me. I read this Indy article at night by candlelight.  At first, I thought the article was titled “Mentalists Punish City to Withhold Parish Accordions.” I couldn’t agree more. Accordions have no place in church music. Amen to that.

Laguna Beach’s mayor has suggested a resolution joining 347 other cities to uphold the Paris climate agreement. Local environmental activists are revving up their incorrectly calibrated diesel German SUVs to rally support. That’s a slight exaggeration. Some activists drive Teslas, but lack of exhaust sound gives no support to the cause.

I’m worried about my carbon footprint. Just last week I went to the doctor about it. “Doctor, my wife is mad at me for leaving carbon footprints everywhere.  The doctor cringed. “Get off my office floor. Nurse repeal and replace this patient now. What an Obamanation.”

Laguna Beach has been a staunch supporter as a leader in environmental protection. In 2007, Laguna signed on to the U.S. Mayors Climate Protection Agreement. A citizen’s action plan set a standard to reduce greenhouse gas emissions 10% by 2012 from the 2009 levels. Skepticism abounds whether this goal was attained. At a 2012 city council meeting, staff said, “It is virtually impossible to smell and compare 1990 cow flatulence, the largest emitter of greenhouse gases to 2012 cow fart levels.” The city council agreed with city staff that the agreement didn’t pass the smell test and worried aloud whether they would be stepping in it again with this new climate resolution.

The country is divided over being in or out of the Paris climate accord. One Laguna resident said, “I’m glad were out. It was too expensive to participate in. Why should Americans have to pay for other countries’ smart houses? It was pointed out to the resident that his house was found to be the dumbest of the smart houses on the block when measured for electric, gas and water consumption. He huffed back, “Don’t dare make this personal. When you insult my house’s intelligence, you insult mine. Isn’t that true Siri? Siri? Are you still out there Siri?”   It was the first time recorded when Siri refused to answer on the grounds of being asked a stupid question by a stupid person. Artificial intelligence opponents rallied to support the dumb Laguna resident and pointed out that Siri’s non-response was a form of cyber bullying and had no place in Laguna Beach. Since then, Siri has moved to Newport Beach where cyber bullying is an accepted way to get to the top 1 per cent.

I think I know why President Trump had no other choice but to pull out of the Paris climate accord. Right behind cow flatulence as the number one greenhouse gas offender was his aerosol hair spray. Who can blame him for wanting to look good first to do good later?


For now, Crantz tells the Indy that the climate accord is too much of a hot button issue to pursue further. He’d rather help quietly and tip toe around to try to leave a smaller carbon footprint.

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