Pet Peeves


First Day

by Mark D. Crantz
by Mark D. Crantz

I got a real kick out of reading Indy’s “Kindergartners Kick Off the Year at El Morro.” They are so excited to start school. Of course, they don’t know how to read yet. So it will come, as a surprise, when they find out El Morro is Spanish for prison. And prison terms are harsher. These fresh-faced inmates will stare into the first all day imprisonment abyss, rather than in past years when lenient half a school day sentences for kindergartners were handed out.

Ignorance is bliss. A newbie prisoner said, “I’ve been in preschool for a million years. I’ve been waiting a really long time to go to kindergarten. I’m 150 times excited,” which is a prescient proclamation from the mouth of babe, if there ever was one. 150 times will be how many years kindergarten will feel like to this newbie.

Another newbie had a different take. He said, “I’m excited because I get to have lunch and snack here…and two recesses.” Of course, it won’t seem so great when older school lifers snatch his lunch and snack in the two recess yards. Then the harsh tears of reality will begin.

But don’t despair newbies. I’ve been to kindergarten and lived to come back and talk about it. I did my kindergarten stretch in the basement of a Methodist church. I survived kindergarten by sitting under a 4×8 foot table with my back to the wall, while boys threw blocks and trucks at each other and girls whispered and conspired on which boys were cutest. Unbelievably, I got singled out of this group for having anti-social behavior. It went into my school record. My Mom tried to get it expunged. School authorities refused. All involved agreed to have the record sealed. So, kindergarteners the first lesson to learn is to stand or sit your ground and put your trust in the school authorities to seal and cover up any atrocious behavior you might have to use to defend yourself. You see, schools seal records to keep up appearances of being a school and not a penal colony. Sealment is a mutually beneficial thing.

Laguna kids are optimists. Compare their orientation pictures to England’s Prince George’s first day of kindergarten. Laguna kids are smiling and running around, whereas, Prince George looks to be sick to his stomach and is pictured pulling away mightily from his teacher. Why the difference? It’s simple. Prince George is the future King of England. Laguna kids do not have his birthright.  Look it up. Laguna kindergartners are made up of 23 and me. Prince George is made up of 46 and let them eat euros. Future kings can see the future and his teacher’s future right after orientation ended up being a quick transfer to Australia, an English penal colony.

Crantz tells the Indy that Prince George’s first teacher has acclimated to her new position of driver’s education. The transition has been easy. Australia drives on the left side just like England, her birthplace. The only difficulty is Australian kindergartners are allowed to drive there.




View Our User Comment Policy


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here