Pet Peeves

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Let’s Make a Toast

by Mark D. Crantz
by Mark D. Crantz

I like to save time in the morning by making toast right next to the bathtub. It’s a habit I got into during my working years. I would do my ablution and eat toast at the same time. Got me ahead of the competition. Sure, it was dangerous having the toaster precariously placed on the edge of the bathtub. But my wife didn’t seem to mind this ritual while she bathed. Of course, I would never bathe and toast at the same time. That’s why guys take showers.

However, I did get a jolt while reading the Indy’s “LB Voters Likely to Decide City-Wide Undergrounding.” For an estimated $200 million taxpayer cost to underground wires, Lagunans can get in return $20 billion dollars worth of property protection. A city council person remarked that $200 million represented only 1% of the protection and who wouldn’t agree to that? Laguna residents will decide on the measure next year.

My first reaction was to immediately disconnect every appliance in the house. The toaster was disconnected first. My wife’s reaction was, “You love me.” I told her I do, but left out the high cost not to have my toast while I shaved. There had to be a more cost effective way to do my ablution and toast together. The next morning my prayers were answered.

Dear Pet Peeves:

My name is Prince B. Abetterdeal, I am a crowned prince of Nigeria. I have heard of Laguna’s undergrounding plight. Here in Nigeria we share the same cataclysmic peril. I recently undergrounded all Nigerian wires and the birds sitting on them. I expect to come into an inheritance of $100 million. While I have not been able to visit your fair city, I have found MTV’s “Laguna Beach” most enjoyable. I would like to help by offering to do the entire undergrounding for my entire inheritance of $100 million. This charitable act will save Laguna residents $200 million. I require two stipulations. First, Laguna city council agrees to introduce me to MTV’s “Laguna Beach” cast.  My credentials and sincerity come with the highest reference, Harvey Weinstein. Second, next year’s November ballot measure is written to specify Abetterdeal LLC to be the sole undergrounding contractor. In anticipation of your yes vote, I have gone ahead and arranged staffing from the day workers on 133. Looking forward to an electrifying good time. Sincerely, Prince A. Betterdeal

Whew. My prayers were answered. I feel confident Laguna residents will feel the same way when it comes time to vote on the undergrounding measure. Let’s make a toast to Prince A. Betterdeal.


Crantz tells the Indy that he’s added a crockpot next to the bathtub in anticipation of Laguna’s yes vote.




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